24 hours in the life of...

India was... painful.

I -

1) Had the misfortune to sit next to a construction worker who slept with his bare feet stepping on my handbag under the seat and elbowed my ribs while he slept.

2) Got left alone in the cab in the middle of a dark construction area while the driver disappeared without explanation behind a few shadowy trailers, with beggars crowding the taxi tapping the windows asking for money. At midnight.

3) Freaked out when the taxi driver stopped to ask for directions four times ("How can you NOT know the Four Seasons?! It's the FOUR SEASONS!!!") and seemingly drove past it without noticing while I was screaming "It's here! You passed it on your left! Make a u turn!!"

4) Thought I could heave a sigh of relief when I stepped into Mumbai's Chhatrapati Shivaji airport for my return flight but instead sat in the restroom for the next 2 hours suffering from the unfortunate effects of food poisoning.

And all because I drank bottled water not from Perrier or Evian but from a brand named 'A-nu', or 'A-No'. Whatever. At least I managed to have foie gras chawanmushi at the hotel restaurant before the driver took me to the airport.
----------------------
Back in civilization for awhile. Travelling takes a toll - I realize I've been travelling almost every month since I started this job. Maybe no travelling in October, but November and December are full of trips.

Mouse said I have a very nice job when we met for dinner yesterday to debate whether she should quit her job to take up a new one at an investment bank.

Nice. Hmm. Bit hard to think of it that way when your day is pressure-filled and tracks the ups and downs of the freaking stockmarket.

730am morning meeting - Why is this company this way? Why, why, why? And guess who has to answer calmly. :)
10am - Call with client who is worried about the recent share price
1130am - Get in the car for a 45-minute drive to Klang to visit a company
2pm - Get on a conference call with internal staff, while still in the company's premises
3pm - Back to office, start writing a report
5pm - Another call with another client
6pm - Client call number 3
7pm - Have McDonald's at desk with co-worker who sits and stares silently at the Bloomberg screen with feet propped up next to the machine; if he could will the CPO price to tank by watching it, he probably would have sat there the entire night
8-10:30pm - Finalize report, submit to editing team in India and USA
1am - Monitor editing progress on our workflow program from home
4am - Report approved
10am - I wake up and check the report and realize somebody made some editing mistakes. Send an email out trying to hold back the report from publishing.

That's my 24 hours they pay me for. I hope yours is better.

1-0 in favour of "rocks my socks"

I have an unbelievable amount of work to get done, and to get my intern to get done, before he leaves to further his studies.

And then I get sent to India for a work trip.

I did briefly entertain thoughts of being scammed of my cash, relieved of my luggage and left standing by some no name street in the middle of an unknown city, but one has to do what one has to do, right?

And if it means getting an edge over your competitors, 'kiasu' me would even travel by foot to Mongolia. My black Delsey business case is surely being used to within an inch of its life lately.. was opening the suitcase to pack for Mumbai when I realized I had to first unpack from Bangkok.

I am seriously at risk of turning into a bipolar freak, the way I go between "this job rocks my socks" and "this job cramps my style".

you are not alone

Hey friend.....

Are we the only two people awake so late tonight? Its 12:41am, I just Blackberry chatted you 4 hours ago on the way to a dinner meetup with another friend of mine.

I was so exhausted today but I was looking forward to wishing you a happy birthday. I was also looking forward to seeing Mouse, whom I've not seen for more than month. My body was screaming with fatigue but I absolutely had to stay awake for another few more hours just so I can talk awhile with a few people who have made an impact on my life.

And it's funny, because as I lie propped up in bed with my laptop above the covers past midnight, I can't sleep. Not even the spacious blue calming room can lull me into a solace needed for bedtime. It's a comforting thought, this room with blue and white walls - a blank canvas for me to start rewriting a life, changing a destiny, driving a new dream.

But tonight it's a painful reminder of what I have had to give up just to buy the walls surrounding me now. Myself. You would never have thought a job could be so hard, and it's definitely related to the fact that I swore by the time I could swear that whatever I attempted to do in this life would be executed flawlessly, with no imperfections as far as anyone could catch.

I would not allow myself to get caught in the web of ineffectuality, mediocrity and ultimate ruin that my Dad drove himself to, spending his fortune away on.

But that single-mindedness has crafted a complex individual - strong and ruthless, not above doing anything just to get a job done well, but also a helpless, desperate soul being taken farther and farther away from what she hopes to eventually find in this lifetime - peace with herself and her accomplishments. It is exactly this type of soul that this industry feeds on, souls in need of recognition of success after success.

So, friend, you're probably thinking that if your problem was work, you'd be so relieved and be falling asleep right now. And yeah, in your context, work is the puniest worry ever. If I were just an acquaintance, I'd go "congratulations" but you and I both know if I said it now, it would just sound as fake as Pamela Anderson's tits.

I know you're not okay. Nobody in your position could be okay. I won't say it all happens for a reason - it's a reason only you can establish for yourself. But I hope you will be okay, perhaps in the same vein of hope that I have for myself, that I will be okay too.

And sometimes, when it's all dark and quiet and you're falling with no one to catch you, even a voice that emerges saying "I hope you will be okay" may be enough to break your fall for awhile.

So I know you're not okay, but I'll wait for the day when I can finally say "Congratulations" to you deeply, sincerely, with the same feelings of best hopes and joy one feels for a friend returning home after a long journey.

And I? I'm waiting for the day where I can sit on my lounge chair in the evening, with the white whispy curtains billowing in the soft breeze, listening to Suerte, and realize I can remove the word "but...." after the sentence I say to myself quietly - "Well done."

2 steps forward, and another 2 more

I made good progress in my work today. Landed upon 2 key ideas and thoughts - which in my world, are worth Tiffanys and Tods. Also managed to find supporting evidence, which are veritable Chanels.

One of those fulfilling days.

Caveat - very few days.

Got a call from a headhunter, the resignation of a few people sparks off rounds of headhunter calling other existing people in the industry to fill those spots - just like the merry go round in my old place, but 3x the speed. Told him straight up that I'm most likely not the one he's looking for. Do you really want someone who's just building their game?

No doubt I think my game has the potential to rock, but in keeping with reality, I do understand I have a ways to go.

I have a month and a half to tune this machine before I potentially might be sent to the U.S of A for another trip.

you wanna be a thai.thai?

Back from a relaxed but action-packed holiday.

Just realized, I've flown to 3 countries in August alone, two for business and one for pleasure.

Oh the pleasure. It was amazing waking up late, having breakfast prepared for you, chauffeured by tuk tuk to shopping haven after shopping haven, culminating with a soft kneady aromatherapy massage... jesus, im drooling just thinking about it!

We were supposed to check in to On8 Bangkok, but there was such noisy construction going on that they offered us its newer sister hotel at no extra charge. Kingston Suites Bangkok is worth a mention - for RM200 for 3 nights without breakfast.

Went with two small bags, came back with two additional huge ones. And additional 20kg in baggage. It was just bliss to go "how much wholesale? i buy 3? cheaper ya?" then swipe 3 dresses in a shop. Repeat about every other 10 minutes.

Bought 10 bags from one shop in Chatuchak - that place is bitchin'. Once you enter from the gate, and wind up in the mini one car lane separating the market fringe from the centre market, look for Row number 8. Walk into it, and count to the second lane on your left. Turn left and walk down about 6-7 shops. The bag shop is on your left. THB 199 per bag for the whole friggin store.

There were 3 other customers there, but I have no idea what those other girls in the shop were doing, each of them were holding a bag up, slinging it over, trying it and looking it in the mirror from every angle from 0 to 360 degrees. While I just went *point point* "That one, you got new one? Okay, I want it in pink and lime green... Greeen... Not yellow...Green..."

Time and tide waits for no man, the more time spent deliberating painstakingly over the decision to purchase one measly bag could be easily spent quickly buying up 5 pairs of shoes in another shop.

Its RM20 la duh. Whereas the boyfriend's mother was in HK the same weekend buying a Chanel 2.55 large original. She took about the entire day to decide - now that is fully justified. Because all my buys in BKK combined couldn't even come up to a third of what her bag cost.

Damn, I just wanna quit my job and be a tai tai. The job's so freaking stressful I guess I've come to the point where I won't miss it.

its the bloomin' end of the month

I think I know what's the most frequently uttered word in my world now - its Bloomberg. New York's mayor must have his eyes twitch frequently throughout the day as millions upon millions of conversations speak his name.

One colleague sent out an email saying how despondent he was that he didn't seem to be adding value to his clients. His senior colleague had asked the client about him (who was assigned to cover the client) and the client had said...

Senior colleague: By the way, what do you think of D***?
Client: D***? Havent heard of it, whats the Bloomberg code?

Ouch.

Others frequently heard -

"WTF is wrong with the f***ing Bloomberg, its hanging, f***k f***k!!!"
"Get it from Bloomberg."
"My PT on Bloomberg is wrong!"
"Omg.. results out.. Bloomberg said so, look!!"
------------------
Wake me up when September ends. Or wait, wake me up after April 2011 ends.

Sitting in the car workshop lounge waiting for my car to get fixed - I think the fella finally gave in after months of putting off trips to the mechanic. Seeing my little Myvi being suspended in the air while the mechanics tinker with it.. and working via remote access.

Today's the last day of corporate reporting results for me; and then its off to Thailand The Land of Smiles for the long Merdeka weekend. Took me 5 minutes to pack, as I'm going there with a totally empty suitcase.

Am now a prepared Bangkok traveller after last year. Getting ready to take advantage of sellers desperate to be rid of wares after the major tourist pullout in 1H of this year. Or maybe not. We shall recky the area when we land.

ive forgotten

I am most likely going out of my mind - its getting to the point where I consciously have to tell my mind not to go there.

But where's there?

There is where I start thinking my life is getting quite meaningless, chasing after something my ego thinks it needs - a stellar jetsetting career at the expense of relationships and sanity. There is where I realize I have serious control issues, and where I actually believe that if I stop moving, everything around me will collapse.

It's gotten to the point where I avoid anything that could trigger those thoughts on a deeper level. Maybe if I just hold out til the bonus next year, then I can quit and work on growing my soul.

But I am reading Eat, Pray, Love now (for somebody who doesn't touch self-helppy books with a ten foot pole, I'm one to talk) and it scares the living bejesus out of me that I find so much to describe myself to the point the book is peppered with dog ears.

There has been those moments - sweatily climbing up the higgledy piggledy steps near Stanley street on Hong Kong Island looking for a famed dessert place, walking briskly from client office to client office on 3 inch stilettos in Hong Kong's massive covered snaking overhead bridges, standing over the window overlooking Singapore's Marina Bay with the evening glow casting a low light on the spires of the financial district.

Those small portions of time I take for myself, eagerly clinging on to them with a soul so dry and thirsty that I sometimes have even forgotten how to secure moments with my own hands. The more reports I write, stocks I chase, clients I pitch to, day in day out over long corporate lunches, in glitzy offices to swanky lounges, I slowly forget how to..... write.

I've forgotten how to describe moments - they just pass by too fast. The fading thought that I once decided I wanted this - this mad kaleidoscopic rush - is surely but slowly losing its lustre.