What's right or what's easy

I always believed I brought a lot to the table in a relationship. And in times like this, when the pain threatens to blind you from all directions - I've lost count and given up trying to label whichever direction anymore - I can't help but ask through all the anguish ,"all I asked for was time, just a little bit more patience as I grapple with what is an entire change in my life, and I could have given the world once you let me feel safe"

That was all I ever asked and hoped for. I never ask for money, never demand much time, all I want is just an acceptance of my flaws, an acknowledgment that I am trying, and just a silent understanding that my intentions are nothing but true but I need time to work it out. No, I was not seen that way. I was held to a timeline not of my doing, there was no room for me anywhere, not being told until an explosion (of sorts) happens.

Similar to another situation 8 years ago, all I asked for was "where do you think we are going?" No demands, light questioning, all while I was maintaining and building all other parts of my life. 

I could have fought and I could have given the world. 

But instead, I feel so extinguished, robbed, betrayed. 

I honestly don't ask for much. Why, when I have so much to give? 

I know this wave will pass. I steel myself with all the memories of the past hurts, past brushes with the bottom, knowing I survived it and I just wait for the strength to come back again. 

Please, give me strength. To accept and not be bitter. 

I will live with purpose, and I know I will still adhere to what's right. Even if what's right hurts. When you lose direction, the only thing that will guide you towards a good, fulfilling life, is knowing you did something morally right. And not taking the easy way out. Even though easy looks so tempting, easy could lead me further off the path. 

I would not be able to live with myself.
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Plunging into the next few weeks with almost-weekly travelling again.

Scaling back in this role has afforded some mental space, but apparently the mule-like travelling continues..... 

How things have changed

I wonder how often people have started a paragraph by saying "How things have changed". Well, here's to the twenty trillionth time, I suppose.

In a space of 3 months, which used to be measured as 1 quarterly reporting season, 12 company results notes in Sushi Bank, probably 3 working trips, 20 client meetings, 2 credit papers and 5 pitches here in old department of current bank, or probably 1 holiday, 3 special dinner outings,  but for the purposes of Feb - May 15, is now, for all intents and purposes - immeasurable.

Nobody likes to listen to gory details and besides, I've found humor to be as good a defense mechanism as any in times of pitch dark confusion and loss, so here goes the anecdotes of the past period.

Superhero - "No, I am not comforting you because I care about you. I only care about stopping you from stepping out the window and toppling down through the roof of [name of next door mamak stall], because my life depends on roti canai at 6pm."
Sidekick - *glare*

Sidekick - "I need to get my mojo back."
Superhero - *silence*
Sidekick - "Anyway, is mojo an acronym?"
Superhero - *silence*
Sidekick - "But seriously, what does it stand for?"
Superhero - "If you're asking and talking so much about it, I think its likely you won't be getting it back for awhile."
*while walking into nearby hip and popular coffee joint*
Sidekick - "I bet I still have enough mojo to ask the shop to let me borrow and bring this book home" *waves thick story book displayed for patrons' enjoyment*
*flags down a staff member*
*produces best smile in weeks*
Sidekick - "May I please borrow this book, I promise I'll bring it back tomorrow, or someday..."
Staff member - "Sure sure, no problem no problem"
*Sidekick prances out of the shop behind Superhero who is stalking away*
Sidekick - "At least I got the book, so minimally, I still got it.."
Superhero - "The staff looked like he just got off a boat from Bangla/Pakistan, and you're the fairest thing he's seen. Standards, yeah."

[no racial slur intended whatsoever]
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Finally, I think, someone who gets me. Life has been pretty much upside down since last year and god knows it's only gotten much more complicated and painful but finally, at least one good thing comes out of it.

Mom - "You know, after talking to you, like really talking to you, I realize you're actually quite a simple person."
Me - "Hallelujah. Nobody, nobody believed me when I said it!"
Mom - "Because you cover yourself up with so many layers of verbose descriptions, glitzy trips, so many handbags, you spend so much on our dinners and outings!"
Me - "Yeah, anyway, I should count my blessings that at least YOU know that what I cared about in my 20s, I don't care about it anymore. Nobody seems to believe in change around here...."

I may need to re-think the ways I have been presenting myself to the outside world. Perhaps that's attracting the wrong kind of karma. I don't know. Even the supposedly closest person to me in this world recently looked at me in disbelief when I told him tiredly, "Seriously, I don't care where we eat. I already told you since last year, I.don't.care.about.much.anymore.Why.don't.you.believe.me.at.all"

Among the lessons learnt are:-
1) I am more willing to spend on loved ones than myself
2) You can run away physically, but no matter where you go, you cannot run from your problems. So no point spending so much money. Yup, 2 Japan trips, 1 USA trip, 1 Europe trip later. Gee thanks.
3) I am slowly rebalancing my life from work - to focus inwards and on my personal life but the latter's pretty ironic considering I am currently fumbling around in it like a blind man in a sandstorm with nothing but a crazy parrot for company. (more about the said crazy parrot if I feel like it later)

I don't know much more about what will happen but all I know is I dearly need a good book - maybe the one I filched from the aforementioned coffee place. Which I may or may not bring back.

Just kidding. I will bring it back.

Maybe next year.

Still not roadkill yet

I never wrote in 2014. Looking back, I can see how lost I was. And yet through it all, I still wanted to be that perfectionist. I fled the country, I lashed out because I didn't know how to get my message through - the message that I was unhappy, lonely.

Because it never is part of my personality to ask for help. But in hindsight, my fault is 1) I ran. 2) I felt all of that but it never came out the right way.

Even so, I am proud I hung on doggedly. Even if it was driven by a fear of breaking the beautiful vision I'd built - a wildly successful if not stressful job, handsome and rich husband, splendidly designed large house.

House. Not a home. Which, as the realisations built that we were not living our lives right, I started to say what was wrong. I started to push the boundaries, asked the hard questions. The painful questions. He refused to listen, I don't blame him, especially not now.

I am proud I hung on until there is nothing left any more. I am shocked how I managed to live through those days and nights in Singapore on my own and yet still manage to carve some nice results for myself - the year certainly was not wasted.

Most of the time, I return to him because I care. I hope he's doing fine etc. But now I realise doing that hurt us both - I kept emptying my well to drive us, he took it because he thought it was limitless - and in doing so, he probably didn't realize I was still a girl who needed someone to protect her. He thought I was ok, I wanted to be alone.... He doesn't know better, coming from a support system that I think left him so protected and ill-equipped to deal with me.

When me wanting to be alone couldn't be farther from the truth. Then I got better at being alone, I continued building the independence, because when you come from a broken home, you always look over your back waiting and preparing for the next time you will be left alone. And that took us farther and farther apart, he said he can't imagine a life with me.... Among other hurtful things.

I accept it now. It's nobody's fault.

The difference between the pain now and all the pain I've felt before - is weirdly, I think I have greater bandwidth now. In the past, I always thought it was the end of the world. But perhaps this time, we had all the time in the world to see it coming. Had more than a year to feel a dream die.

I told him many times, home is where the heart is. Can't you see all I want is for us to be better? We were such a great team. Where did all that go after I brought up Singapore? You couldn't see me anymore, you thought I was selfish. If I was, I would be gone a long time ago.

Someone told me I should cry whenever I want, however long I want. I am still doing it like beer on tap, while I go about my life, but again the funny thing is despite knowing with such painful clarity that I am like this little wounded animal lying by the side of the road with cars passing me by, I know soon I will have the strength to get up, drag myself to a vet and soon be slightly better again.

Meantime, I'll just lie here, feel the stinging rainwater a little, let the dust rough me up a bit, until I can move again.

Oh look! Its May! 2013!

And the years pass. So fast, you wonder where it all goes sometimes.

Sitting here with a glass of Riesling, in the middle of the night.

Yes, its always in the middle of the night, isn't it?

That's the only time my thoughts are my own, where its free to flit from matter to matter, back and forth, back and forth.

I've moved jobs twice in a year last year, that's why filing my taxes is such a pain. I dreamt I was pitching to a client last night. I kind of think I got thrown under the bus in the office a few times this week. I invited my oldest and closest friends, including the males, to a hen's night in the Island of the Gods. I already own two guidebooks on Seoul, but I still haven't booked my ticket. I had to frantically press the mute button on the conference call facility when I heard a senior banker at Director level stop someone in the midst of explaining "if we have recourse, we can lower the interest more.." and butt in with a "Stop. Whats 'recourse'?"

I ended the week fully appreciating what a very influential, and inspiring woman in my old workplace once told me, "Keep dreaming - make your own road ahead. Keep the good people, good moments and good times with you, these are what will get you through."

She got let go from our old workplace, but I respect her all the more. I look forward to those emails from her, when she said she would keep in touch with me and write me about the things that inspire her. These people, people like her, I'm grateful to have known. To know.

I hope I never lose what she says I have. Its my little secret, what she says I have.

:)

Good night, world. I wouldn't have traded you for anything else.

And it starts with a con

Amazing what a proposal can do. A proposal stops you from even considering a frankly-not-that-attractive-to-begin-with job offer to move to Singapore. A proposal can elicit squeals of excitement from 14 year old cousins half the world away, marking the start of a year-long squealing journey over FaceTime across European and American continents alike.
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It's been awhile. I've traversed California in a red zippy rental car, pushed through mob crowds in Occupy San Francisco, shopped for antiques in Carmel, roadtripped it down Highway 1 and hit factory outlets up and down the coast. Have since started a new job which doesn't take a toll on my health. I sleep 8 hours, leave at 630pm if I have to. The only glitch - stomaching the boss from hell. But this post isn't about my boss.

It's about... oh yeah... him asking. Me saying yes. And me conning him into getting my gown designer-made.

Went something like this -
A week ago
Me - "Designer Bridal Room in Pavilion carries Carolina Herrera and they can make to measure...."

Him - "Caro..." *splutter* "herrrer..." *cough*
Me - *sings Carolina Herrera the whole weekend*

Yesterday night
Him - "Yesterday Ella the Malay singer got married and I think her designed gown cost RM8k.. that's reasonable. Carolina Herrera costs about RM30k, dear."
Me - "I take it! I take it! 8k! Set! Can do! Will try to get it under 8k..."
Him - "Have I just been conned?"
Me - "Yeah man."

Build up to the proverbial tiki bar

My Out of office reply on my last day at work, set right after I sent out my farewell email -

"Hi, thanks for your email. I'm already out of the office, making a beeline for the tiki bar. Please contact dotdotdot."

Its been over a week since, and I havent made it to the tiki bar yet, but I will. Have been sifting through mounds of disorganized mail, renewing old friendships, and squealing with delight when Matthew proposed to Mary in the Christmas special of Downton Abbey. Making sure I've got my international license for that drive up and down California wine country and the coast, doing the visa check, and scouring for hotels in various cities.

When I make it to the proverbial tiki bar, sometime hopefully in the next week or so, I'll send a pigeon.

Stay, get paid.

The 3 magic words.

My mid year review has been done, and I'm ranked in the top 3 of my class. Given the recent promotion into this class and new competitors from Australia, I'd say it's a fairly decent job. That pay adjustment helped bollocks. Hehe. At the very least, I still get to sleep at night knowing I do decently meaningful stuff, even though it still tires the hell out of me. All this doesn't negate the fact that I'm truly tired, and pacing is key.

The only thing to remember when one is cranky and wants to throw in the towel is that, at least they pay you, right?

Getting sent off to hong kong tonight to see clients, but the only thing I'm looking forward to is the Yung Kee duck and sharksfin.