Snippets

Snip, snip. 

Part of my "be present" undertaking, is to remember more of what I do. 

The moment my head sank down on the white plush pillows at the newly opened Fairmont Jakarta, I knew in my heart I'd found something I didn't know I was needing for a very long time. A preciously soft, sinking, floating night's sleep. Until well, my CEO called in the middle of the night wanting his phone charger back and I had to run sans makeup, in tatty shorts, down to the lobby. Great impressions! 

We were sniffing the Chilean Pinot Noir in the hotel's only FnB outlet after I had agreed to go against my judgement of no South American whatever when Superhero said "Be glad you aren't one of those working women there and you don't have to sleep with a fat ass for money tonight". 

Again, perspective. That and learning not to be swept up, to rush, to play to so many other tunes have led to a slower pace, but not without a price to pay. Then again, other people pay their whole lives for something so who am I to talk. 

Flew back and was accosted by a father and small girl in the apartment lobby. 

Man - "can you make sure she gets to the 16th floor? She doesn't want me to go up with her." 

In the lift, instinct just kicked in and I just to ask, "which button is 16? Let's see....."

Clearly she hadn't yet learned to count but she said "it's around here..." Pointing out of memory, I suppose.

At her floor, she said she would turn left (at least she got that one right lol) and told me Thank you aunty in the sweetest voice ever that I forgave her a million times for calling me "Aunty." 

Getting home, I see my sports shoes laid out nicely for the site visit and I groan so hard that I literally am praying for a flood or calamity to occur so I won't have to fly out again. The person who said change is made by one's own hands clearly did not have a boss to report to. 

The Halfway House

Many years back, I swore I would never be mediocre.

The curse of mediocrity was one I never wanted to slide into, it reminded me too much of the past, the childhood, the everything I have lived but have turned into a foundation into which to (hopefully) build an extraordinary life.

But again, life will teach you lessons you never expect.

I'd been seriously thinking about scaling back at work for awhile. Ever since last year, but I chose to persevere until the promotion I was promised. According to some people, I was in a "batshit aggressive" phase last year, which in hindsight, I agree was completely unsustainable. But I had to do it to get to the promotion - and now, I'm coasting along as probably the youngest to have ever made this level.

Accolade enjoyed, recognized, and now I turn to what's more pressing.

In my current state, I'm re-learning how to trust my judgement, trust my feelings. Bringing about core behavioral changes are - diabolically tiring and requires emphatic patience.

Superhero made my day when he said, "Patience... As much as you want people to be patient with you, you need to be patient with yourself too. I know the phase you are in, and hence, I wanted you here, as a halfway house, until you work things out."

All I hope to be in the future, is to be able to give someone else a chance with a halfway house - with all the gratitude I know I will have after I have made it through this storm. It's going to get worse, I think, and the days will be long, but the difference between now and one year ago is I know I am no longer alone.

This is written for me to read again when the next storm hits.
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You WILL find your own place - May 2015

Don't rush - lesson #35674

I usually can never end a week without some kind of funny exchange with Superhero. 

Superhero - "When Department Hottie was stuck in Everest after the Nepal earthquake, half the guys in the department wanted to rush out there to save her..."

Sidekick - "I wonder if I ever got stuck somewhere...."

Superhero - "like a typhoon in Manila....?"

Sidekick - "yeah.. Like a typhoon.. How many do you think will come and save me?"

Superhero - "none. Cos I'll be telling everyone, Sidekick is a tough cookie la! She can save herself, no need to worry! She'll send us an email when she gets a broadband connection...!"

Idiot. As I said, re-wiring of my portrayal needed. 

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April 2014 - I'd just landed in Singapore. Just unpacked my things, explored the neighbourhood. I remember being slightly out of breath as I climbed killiney road up to my place from NTUC, lugging bags from my first ever grocery run in Singapore. 

It was sunny, I was sweating, but my mind was free. I squinted at the sun and told myself, "This is new. For once, my mind is full of nothing except how warm the sun is on my skin, and how I'm ever going to manage cooking on such a small stove." 

A year later, would I say I'm set back? Not progressed? Not entirely true. 

But it took so much time for me to let my mind rest. Countless weekend wanderings in bookstores, going to see musicals, learning why Singapore office workers love to go have coffee in the middle of the day at Raffles Place... Basically prodding to see what I liked about life. 

That's why I'm utterly puzzled at how or why some things can be rushed, why some people rush. I had always been happy taking my time, poking around. Why did I let the rush get to me? It's so stressful already at work, I should from now on make it an eleventh commandment to write off rushing so many things. 

The job is calling - my pre-negotiated arrangement for my role is being raised. I know what I feel about it, but I've since learned that one's head and heart must be aligned, otherwise it would cause significant disruption in life. 

What's right or what's easy

I always believed I brought a lot to the table in a relationship. And in times like this, when the pain threatens to blind you from all directions - I've lost count and given up trying to label whichever direction anymore - I can't help but ask through all the anguish ,"all I asked for was time, just a little bit more patience as I grapple with what is an entire change in my life, and I could have given the world once you let me feel safe"

That was all I ever asked and hoped for. I never ask for money, never demand much time, all I want is just an acceptance of my flaws, an acknowledgment that I am trying, and just a silent understanding that my intentions are nothing but true but I need time to work it out. No, I was not seen that way. I was held to a timeline not of my doing, there was no room for me anywhere, not being told until an explosion (of sorts) happens.

Similar to another situation 8 years ago, all I asked for was "where do you think we are going?" No demands, light questioning, all while I was maintaining and building all other parts of my life. 

I could have fought and I could have given the world. 

But instead, I feel so extinguished, robbed, betrayed. 

I honestly don't ask for much. Why, when I have so much to give? 

I know this wave will pass. I steel myself with all the memories of the past hurts, past brushes with the bottom, knowing I survived it and I just wait for the strength to come back again. 

Please, give me strength. To accept and not be bitter. 

I will live with purpose, and I know I will still adhere to what's right. Even if what's right hurts. When you lose direction, the only thing that will guide you towards a good, fulfilling life, is knowing you did something morally right. And not taking the easy way out. Even though easy looks so tempting, easy could lead me further off the path. 

I would not be able to live with myself.
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Plunging into the next few weeks with almost-weekly travelling again.

Scaling back in this role has afforded some mental space, but apparently the mule-like travelling continues..... 

How things have changed

I wonder how often people have started a paragraph by saying "How things have changed". Well, here's to the twenty trillionth time, I suppose.

In a space of 3 months, which used to be measured as 1 quarterly reporting season, 12 company results notes in Sushi Bank, probably 3 working trips, 20 client meetings, 2 credit papers and 5 pitches here in old department of current bank, or probably 1 holiday, 3 special dinner outings,  but for the purposes of Feb - May 15, is now, for all intents and purposes - immeasurable.

Nobody likes to listen to gory details and besides, I've found humor to be as good a defense mechanism as any in times of pitch dark confusion and loss, so here goes the anecdotes of the past period.

Superhero - "No, I am not comforting you because I care about you. I only care about stopping you from stepping out the window and toppling down through the roof of [name of next door mamak stall], because my life depends on roti canai at 6pm."
Sidekick - *glare*

Sidekick - "I need to get my mojo back."
Superhero - *silence*
Sidekick - "Anyway, is mojo an acronym?"
Superhero - *silence*
Sidekick - "But seriously, what does it stand for?"
Superhero - "If you're asking and talking so much about it, I think its likely you won't be getting it back for awhile."
*while walking into nearby hip and popular coffee joint*
Sidekick - "I bet I still have enough mojo to ask the shop to let me borrow and bring this book home" *waves thick story book displayed for patrons' enjoyment*
*flags down a staff member*
*produces best smile in weeks*
Sidekick - "May I please borrow this book, I promise I'll bring it back tomorrow, or someday..."
Staff member - "Sure sure, no problem no problem"
*Sidekick prances out of the shop behind Superhero who is stalking away*
Sidekick - "At least I got the book, so minimally, I still got it.."
Superhero - "The staff looked like he just got off a boat from Bangla/Pakistan, and you're the fairest thing he's seen. Standards, yeah."

[no racial slur intended whatsoever]
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Finally, I think, someone who gets me. Life has been pretty much upside down since last year and god knows it's only gotten much more complicated and painful but finally, at least one good thing comes out of it.

Mom - "You know, after talking to you, like really talking to you, I realize you're actually quite a simple person."
Me - "Hallelujah. Nobody, nobody believed me when I said it!"
Mom - "Because you cover yourself up with so many layers of verbose descriptions, glitzy trips, so many handbags, you spend so much on our dinners and outings!"
Me - "Yeah, anyway, I should count my blessings that at least YOU know that what I cared about in my 20s, I don't care about it anymore. Nobody seems to believe in change around here...."

I may need to re-think the ways I have been presenting myself to the outside world. Perhaps that's attracting the wrong kind of karma. I don't know. Even the supposedly closest person to me in this world recently looked at me in disbelief when I told him tiredly, "Seriously, I don't care where we eat. I already told you since last year, I.don't.care.about.much.anymore.Why.don't.you.believe.me.at.all"

Among the lessons learnt are:-
1) I am more willing to spend on loved ones than myself
2) You can run away physically, but no matter where you go, you cannot run from your problems. So no point spending so much money. Yup, 2 Japan trips, 1 USA trip, 1 Europe trip later. Gee thanks.
3) I am slowly rebalancing my life from work - to focus inwards and on my personal life but the latter's pretty ironic considering I am currently fumbling around in it like a blind man in a sandstorm with nothing but a crazy parrot for company. (more about the said crazy parrot if I feel like it later)

I don't know much more about what will happen but all I know is I dearly need a good book - maybe the one I filched from the aforementioned coffee place. Which I may or may not bring back.

Just kidding. I will bring it back.

Maybe next year.

Still not roadkill yet

I never wrote in 2014. Looking back, I can see how lost I was. And yet through it all, I still wanted to be that perfectionist. I fled the country, I lashed out because I didn't know how to get my message through - the message that I was unhappy, lonely.

Because it never is part of my personality to ask for help. But in hindsight, my fault is 1) I ran. 2) I felt all of that but it never came out the right way.

Even so, I am proud I hung on doggedly. Even if it was driven by a fear of breaking the beautiful vision I'd built - a wildly successful if not stressful job, handsome and rich husband, splendidly designed large house.

House. Not a home. Which, as the realisations built that we were not living our lives right, I started to say what was wrong. I started to push the boundaries, asked the hard questions. The painful questions. He refused to listen, I don't blame him, especially not now.

I am proud I hung on until there is nothing left any more. I am shocked how I managed to live through those days and nights in Singapore on my own and yet still manage to carve some nice results for myself - the year certainly was not wasted.

Most of the time, I return to him because I care. I hope he's doing fine etc. But now I realise doing that hurt us both - I kept emptying my well to drive us, he took it because he thought it was limitless - and in doing so, he probably didn't realize I was still a girl who needed someone to protect her. He thought I was ok, I wanted to be alone.... He doesn't know better, coming from a support system that I think left him so protected and ill-equipped to deal with me.

When me wanting to be alone couldn't be farther from the truth. Then I got better at being alone, I continued building the independence, because when you come from a broken home, you always look over your back waiting and preparing for the next time you will be left alone. And that took us farther and farther apart, he said he can't imagine a life with me.... Among other hurtful things.

I accept it now. It's nobody's fault.

The difference between the pain now and all the pain I've felt before - is weirdly, I think I have greater bandwidth now. In the past, I always thought it was the end of the world. But perhaps this time, we had all the time in the world to see it coming. Had more than a year to feel a dream die.

I told him many times, home is where the heart is. Can't you see all I want is for us to be better? We were such a great team. Where did all that go after I brought up Singapore? You couldn't see me anymore, you thought I was selfish. If I was, I would be gone a long time ago.

Someone told me I should cry whenever I want, however long I want. I am still doing it like beer on tap, while I go about my life, but again the funny thing is despite knowing with such painful clarity that I am like this little wounded animal lying by the side of the road with cars passing me by, I know soon I will have the strength to get up, drag myself to a vet and soon be slightly better again.

Meantime, I'll just lie here, feel the stinging rainwater a little, let the dust rough me up a bit, until I can move again.

Oh look! Its May! 2013!

And the years pass. So fast, you wonder where it all goes sometimes.

Sitting here with a glass of Riesling, in the middle of the night.

Yes, its always in the middle of the night, isn't it?

That's the only time my thoughts are my own, where its free to flit from matter to matter, back and forth, back and forth.

I've moved jobs twice in a year last year, that's why filing my taxes is such a pain. I dreamt I was pitching to a client last night. I kind of think I got thrown under the bus in the office a few times this week. I invited my oldest and closest friends, including the males, to a hen's night in the Island of the Gods. I already own two guidebooks on Seoul, but I still haven't booked my ticket. I had to frantically press the mute button on the conference call facility when I heard a senior banker at Director level stop someone in the midst of explaining "if we have recourse, we can lower the interest more.." and butt in with a "Stop. Whats 'recourse'?"

I ended the week fully appreciating what a very influential, and inspiring woman in my old workplace once told me, "Keep dreaming - make your own road ahead. Keep the good people, good moments and good times with you, these are what will get you through."

She got let go from our old workplace, but I respect her all the more. I look forward to those emails from her, when she said she would keep in touch with me and write me about the things that inspire her. These people, people like her, I'm grateful to have known. To know.

I hope I never lose what she says I have. Its my little secret, what she says I have.

:)

Good night, world. I wouldn't have traded you for anything else.