Still not roadkill yet

I never wrote in 2014. Looking back, I can see how lost I was. And yet through it all, I still wanted to be that perfectionist. I fled the country, I lashed out because I didn't know how to get my message through - the message that I was unhappy, lonely.

Because it never is part of my personality to ask for help. But in hindsight, my fault is 1) I ran. 2) I felt all of that but it never came out the right way.

Even so, I am proud I hung on doggedly. Even if it was driven by a fear of breaking the beautiful vision I'd built - a wildly successful if not stressful job, handsome and rich husband, splendidly designed large house.

House. Not a home. Which, as the realisations built that we were not living our lives right, I started to say what was wrong. I started to push the boundaries, asked the hard questions. The painful questions. He refused to listen, I don't blame him, especially not now.

I am proud I hung on until there is nothing left any more. I am shocked how I managed to live through those days and nights in Singapore on my own and yet still manage to carve some nice results for myself - the year certainly was not wasted.

Most of the time, I return to him because I care. I hope he's doing fine etc. But now I realise doing that hurt us both - I kept emptying my well to drive us, he took it because he thought it was limitless - and in doing so, he probably didn't realize I was still a girl who needed someone to protect her. He thought I was ok, I wanted to be alone.... He doesn't know better, coming from a support system that I think left him so protected and ill-equipped to deal with me.

When me wanting to be alone couldn't be farther from the truth. Then I got better at being alone, I continued building the independence, because when you come from a broken home, you always look over your back waiting and preparing for the next time you will be left alone. And that took us farther and farther apart, he said he can't imagine a life with me.... Among other hurtful things.

I accept it now. It's nobody's fault.

The difference between the pain now and all the pain I've felt before - is weirdly, I think I have greater bandwidth now. In the past, I always thought it was the end of the world. But perhaps this time, we had all the time in the world to see it coming. Had more than a year to feel a dream die.

I told him many times, home is where the heart is. Can't you see all I want is for us to be better? We were such a great team. Where did all that go after I brought up Singapore? You couldn't see me anymore, you thought I was selfish. If I was, I would be gone a long time ago.

Someone told me I should cry whenever I want, however long I want. I am still doing it like beer on tap, while I go about my life, but again the funny thing is despite knowing with such painful clarity that I am like this little wounded animal lying by the side of the road with cars passing me by, I know soon I will have the strength to get up, drag myself to a vet and soon be slightly better again.

Meantime, I'll just lie here, feel the stinging rainwater a little, let the dust rough me up a bit, until I can move again.

Oh look! Its May! 2013!

And the years pass. So fast, you wonder where it all goes sometimes.

Sitting here with a glass of Riesling, in the middle of the night.

Yes, its always in the middle of the night, isn't it?

That's the only time my thoughts are my own, where its free to flit from matter to matter, back and forth, back and forth.

I've moved jobs twice in a year last year, that's why filing my taxes is such a pain. I dreamt I was pitching to a client last night. I kind of think I got thrown under the bus in the office a few times this week. I invited my oldest and closest friends, including the males, to a hen's night in the Island of the Gods. I already own two guidebooks on Seoul, but I still haven't booked my ticket. I had to frantically press the mute button on the conference call facility when I heard a senior banker at Director level stop someone in the midst of explaining "if we have recourse, we can lower the interest more.." and butt in with a "Stop. Whats 'recourse'?"

I ended the week fully appreciating what a very influential, and inspiring woman in my old workplace once told me, "Keep dreaming - make your own road ahead. Keep the good people, good moments and good times with you, these are what will get you through."

She got let go from our old workplace, but I respect her all the more. I look forward to those emails from her, when she said she would keep in touch with me and write me about the things that inspire her. These people, people like her, I'm grateful to have known. To know.

I hope I never lose what she says I have. Its my little secret, what she says I have.

:)

Good night, world. I wouldn't have traded you for anything else.

And it starts with a con

Amazing what a proposal can do. A proposal stops you from even considering a frankly-not-that-attractive-to-begin-with job offer to move to Singapore. A proposal can elicit squeals of excitement from 14 year old cousins half the world away, marking the start of a year-long squealing journey over FaceTime across European and American continents alike.
-----------------------
It's been awhile. I've traversed California in a red zippy rental car, pushed through mob crowds in Occupy San Francisco, shopped for antiques in Carmel, roadtripped it down Highway 1 and hit factory outlets up and down the coast. Have since started a new job which doesn't take a toll on my health. I sleep 8 hours, leave at 630pm if I have to. The only glitch - stomaching the boss from hell. But this post isn't about my boss.

It's about... oh yeah... him asking. Me saying yes. And me conning him into getting my gown designer-made.

Went something like this -
A week ago
Me - "Designer Bridal Room in Pavilion carries Carolina Herrera and they can make to measure...."

Him - "Caro..." *splutter* "herrrer..." *cough*
Me - *sings Carolina Herrera the whole weekend*

Yesterday night
Him - "Yesterday Ella the Malay singer got married and I think her designed gown cost RM8k.. that's reasonable. Carolina Herrera costs about RM30k, dear."
Me - "I take it! I take it! 8k! Set! Can do! Will try to get it under 8k..."
Him - "Have I just been conned?"
Me - "Yeah man."

Build up to the proverbial tiki bar

My Out of office reply on my last day at work, set right after I sent out my farewell email -

"Hi, thanks for your email. I'm already out of the office, making a beeline for the tiki bar. Please contact dotdotdot."

Its been over a week since, and I havent made it to the tiki bar yet, but I will. Have been sifting through mounds of disorganized mail, renewing old friendships, and squealing with delight when Matthew proposed to Mary in the Christmas special of Downton Abbey. Making sure I've got my international license for that drive up and down California wine country and the coast, doing the visa check, and scouring for hotels in various cities.

When I make it to the proverbial tiki bar, sometime hopefully in the next week or so, I'll send a pigeon.

Stay, get paid.

The 3 magic words.

My mid year review has been done, and I'm ranked in the top 3 of my class. Given the recent promotion into this class and new competitors from Australia, I'd say it's a fairly decent job. That pay adjustment helped bollocks. Hehe. At the very least, I still get to sleep at night knowing I do decently meaningful stuff, even though it still tires the hell out of me. All this doesn't negate the fact that I'm truly tired, and pacing is key.

The only thing to remember when one is cranky and wants to throw in the towel is that, at least they pay you, right?

Getting sent off to hong kong tonight to see clients, but the only thing I'm looking forward to is the Yung Kee duck and sharksfin.

in 2 and a half months...

1) The world (or the stock markets, at least) still can't make up its mind whether it wants to go back into a recession or not

2) I turned down an internal opportunity because I realized I might go out of my mind if I took it - it meant more work. It has since gone to my colleague. I'm not sure if I should have took it and brought my career further faster, with infinitely more travelling, but I know then that if I took it, that would have spelled the end of my sanity. Pacing myself is new, but I reckon I can learn it.

3) Have broken my back traipsing around Europe on a marketing trip to see investors - we made a fairly good team hunkering from airport to airport and city to city every day - team meaning my colleague carried the presentations while I decided what cab we took, what meals we ate, and where to dump the extra presentation slides. Now I know Paris Charles de Gaulle has the cheapest Longchamps but the most idiotic taxi drivers and Stockholm's Arlanda has fantastic salmon roe and stuffed moose. Copenhagen, Dublin and Edinburgh airports are but a blur. And London's Terminal 5 VAT desk only opens at 630am.

4) I got my car park amen hallelujah after 20months of waiting. Its reserved parking too so it means no jostling or racing for the limited first come first serve parking. Only catch? Its in the basement. Basement's creepy.

5) And this one's really random but amusing - Forbes Asia did a piece on the Popiah King and to quote them, he managed to "tap into the informal Chinese lending community" for 16,000 dollars. Seriously, thats what tai ee longs are called nowadays???!
------------------
What went down in Europe:-

Got to stay at the Langham for 2 nights

Saw London from the back of a cab (actually same can be said for the other cities too)

The morning walk in the Tuileries was probably a nice highlight of the trip, as was the Goyards

SOmetimes you just can't win, you know?

But sometimes, you can. Getting to a place in life where you get to see this, is winning enough for most of us.

CPO Boy Said

We just took off from KLIA on the KL-SIN shuttle, about 8 hours ago. CPO Boy, lounging across the aisle from my seat, leaned forward and said,

"Someone told me that being an investment banker is like going to heaven without ever having to die."

I retorted,

"Oh God, no. It's more like being able to have airconditioning in hell."