Still not roadkill yet

I never wrote in 2014. Looking back, I can see how lost I was. And yet through it all, I still wanted to be that perfectionist. I fled the country, I lashed out because I didn't know how to get my message through - the message that I was unhappy, lonely.

Because it never is part of my personality to ask for help. But in hindsight, my fault is 1) I ran. 2) I felt all of that but it never came out the right way.

Even so, I am proud I hung on doggedly. Even if it was driven by a fear of breaking the beautiful vision I'd built - a wildly successful if not stressful job, handsome and rich husband, splendidly designed large house.

House. Not a home. Which, as the realisations built that we were not living our lives right, I started to say what was wrong. I started to push the boundaries, asked the hard questions. The painful questions. He refused to listen, I don't blame him, especially not now.

I am proud I hung on until there is nothing left any more. I am shocked how I managed to live through those days and nights in Singapore on my own and yet still manage to carve some nice results for myself - the year certainly was not wasted.

Most of the time, I return to him because I care. I hope he's doing fine etc. But now I realise doing that hurt us both - I kept emptying my well to drive us, he took it because he thought it was limitless - and in doing so, he probably didn't realize I was still a girl who needed someone to protect her. He thought I was ok, I wanted to be alone.... He doesn't know better, coming from a support system that I think left him so protected and ill-equipped to deal with me.

When me wanting to be alone couldn't be farther from the truth. Then I got better at being alone, I continued building the independence, because when you come from a broken home, you always look over your back waiting and preparing for the next time you will be left alone. And that took us farther and farther apart, he said he can't imagine a life with me.... Among other hurtful things.

I accept it now. It's nobody's fault.

The difference between the pain now and all the pain I've felt before - is weirdly, I think I have greater bandwidth now. In the past, I always thought it was the end of the world. But perhaps this time, we had all the time in the world to see it coming. Had more than a year to feel a dream die.

I told him many times, home is where the heart is. Can't you see all I want is for us to be better? We were such a great team. Where did all that go after I brought up Singapore? You couldn't see me anymore, you thought I was selfish. If I was, I would be gone a long time ago.

Someone told me I should cry whenever I want, however long I want. I am still doing it like beer on tap, while I go about my life, but again the funny thing is despite knowing with such painful clarity that I am like this little wounded animal lying by the side of the road with cars passing me by, I know soon I will have the strength to get up, drag myself to a vet and soon be slightly better again.

Meantime, I'll just lie here, feel the stinging rainwater a little, let the dust rough me up a bit, until I can move again.