Recorded Musings Part 1

Client - "It's been factually proven, that red meat causes colon cancer."

Coklat Boy - "Wait excuse me, sorry, but what does a colon do?"

CPO boy tries not to choke on his miso soup, while Amber energetically shouts, "Dubur. Dubur."

Coklat Boy is from Oxbridge. Funny too. We adore him now.

We were discussing the colon story later on.

CPO Boy - "I almost died when he asked what a colon does."

Me - "It does twice the work as a semi colon."

Amber - "Yesterday at the 100 yen shop, I spotted a pack of biscuits called 'creamed collon'"

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I seem to have grown plumper over the months, supported by a rich diet of fatty Japanese sashimi and late night meals. However, its part of my one-sided bargain with the powers that be, as announced to my colleagues, that "I told God, you can let me stay fat, as long as I can write."

As long as I can write adequately and proficiently for this year to at least not look like an idiot to the rest of the firm, I can stay fat for 2010. Then I can diet in 2011. : D

what drives you?

I have decided where I want to go for my year end holidays.

Europe.

It ought to be a good end to an uphill, challenging but every bit as worth it year.

Maybe do three countries. UK, France and Germany. Or Greece.

I tell you, this is seriously what drives me everyday.

So what drives you? What makes you work so hard? Your kid? What makes you put in all that effort so you can have a precious few hours to have all by yourself? I always felt that I need more than just a sense of responsibility or an existence of an obligation to drive me.

Responsibilities and obligations can weigh down on you after awhile, and the worst thing in the world is to tread with a heavy step and a stooped back.

Even if I hate waking up on Mondays, it helps that I can recite the following

1. You need to wake up to go to work and be able to buy that Bourgie lamp by Kartell.

2. You REALLY need to wake up and work to get that walk-in dressing room.

3. You ABSOLUTELY should wake the f**k up to pay the damn housing loan.

4. You would be jumping out of bed right now if that meant you could afford Europe in December.

By the time I reach No. 4, I'd be shuffling bleary-eyed to the bathroom already.

'Nuff said.

This probably explains why rich kids just can't work all that hard. Without a reason to wake up, why the f**k would you even bother?

Why why tell me why

Why do we end up where we end up?

Why won't Brad Pitt leave Angelina?

Why do we still knowingly hurt ourselves?

Why am I putting myself through all this just to afford that urban pad with walk-in changing room?

They are alot of questions.

Questions to be pondered at length ... but at some other time and not tonight.

Too penat.

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"No, you don't have to ask me permission. Just tell me then go. You can come and go anytime, I leave you to plan your time. As long as everything gets done."

So nice, my current boss.

If there's one thing I'm grateful for, it's great bosses. Then and now.

Well except for one anal twat which marred the whole boss-employee experience a little.

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On another note, I have 19 years and 10 more months to go before I can tell Mata Hari.

Haiyoh. Lambat lagi.

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I want to buy Richard Phillips' "Scout". As seen in Chuck Bass's bedroom in Gossip Girl. Today I woke up and decided I want bad boys. Of course knowing my flaky behaviour in every aspect of life except work and organizing Japanese restaurant meal outings, I probably will wake up tomorrow and decide I want to stick to good boys instead.

PER ain't a bunch of letters

I've been attacked by an especially itchy and scratchy bout of unsightly rashes. No idea where they came from, though my nomadic existence out of a couple of suitcases for the past 2 months might be the reason why.

No amount of Googling can tell me what sort of rashes they are and frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. Measles and whatnot sound relatively tame in comparison to shingles or God help me! ringworms. But this is really getting out of hand and I'm starting to develop all sorts of hypochondriac conclusions of my own - bed has ticks, office chair has lice - and practically restraining myself from screaming "unclean! unclean!" when some stranger's elbow brushes past me in the mall.

The avid procrastinator in me has reached a stage where the discomfiture has reached discomforting proportions, I reportedly was scratching feverishly while I was fast asleep. (Reported by someone else, obviously I had no idea) Today I found some baby powder in some corner of my cousin's other rooms and that will hopefully last me through the night. I swear, I will go to see a doctor tomorrow.

Okay now I just came to a page that is titled 'Bed Bugs - What They Look Like'. Great. No points for guessing who won't be able to sleep tonight.

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It is funny how somebody so far away can be so near. Somebody who can rile you up in the space of two messages. Two. It took all the composure in the world not to retort like I usually would, because I don't see the point of it anymore. Everything has passed, and it would do good not to dredge it up again. I don't think I could go through the same cycle. Contrary to popular belief, I was not born to withstand prolonged drama and uncertainty.

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14 hour days really do not give you time for much else.

Though I try my best to keep my eyes open to my surroundings, most of the time I'm just labouring to get home so I can get my 4 hours sleep. Things have lightened up a bit after the launch, but in this world, I have learnt that it never ends. The good news? That I can handle it better and can pace it better.

Honestly, the world won't end if you reply two hours late.*

*does not apply to all forms of correspondence tagged urgent or important or contain the word 'now'

During those times when I drag my sorry and rebellious arse to the car at the ungodly hour of 630am, I try to remind myself, as I make an illegal u-turn at the traffic lights, that at least I am able to drive and own a car, unlike the young trainee nurses I see clustered in shadowy blobs by the bus stop every morning when I leave.

And as I zoom onto the Penchala, I give a little thanks for being able to see the sun slowly rise right before I enter the tunnel.

And when I get onto Sultan Ismail and realize that "hey! there's quite a few cars on the road!" I am not alone, there are many others stuck in the same pile of shit as I am! Then I feel much better, because at least I may be paid a couple of peanuts more.

Then I get to work and realize, god damn, what the heck girl, you just jumped right in and barrelled headfirst into a different world of equities, a world which just two months ago you knew as a world of debt markets. Where different things matter, where PER and P/B and EV/EBITDA are not cereal Honey Stars letters floating around in a bowl of milk.

And then you try to balance all that out with house renovation and studying for Level 3 of CFA.

My, if I really can achieve all that in this year, it would be the most astounding, unbelievable experience of my life.

Sorry to angkat bakul so much. Tiada orang di sisi untuk menolong, oleh itu kena 'self-help'.

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On another note, go Stalwarts!!! Go team!!! yay !! yay!!

You can take the girl out of debt markets, but you can't take debt markets out of a girl.

i plead insanity and lack of sleep

I have not slept properly for days. This is worse than anything I've been through before. 3 hours a night for 3 consecutive nights is painful. By the time the 4th night came, I was literally passing out at my desk.

Went back to office every day this weekend, and as I type this, I have one more two-pager company note to finish when I get home. Then its on to preparing myself for the presentation.

I decided not to go back to his place for dinner, perhaps I need some time alone. To stay on the ball, stay focused. I dreamt last night that I had a son together with him. And the kid was so freaking cute. Only thing, it was just me and my kid in the dream, with everyone visiting me. He was noticeably absent.

Woke up and mentioned it to him, and he brushed it off saying "Not ready for it for awhile." and rolled back to sleep.

Well, not that I'm ready for it either. But I know I want a family, and the brushing off felt a bit *dot dot dot*. So yeah. My biological clock tis ticking. I plan to have a family by 30 or 31. No rush, but yeah. No pressure, but yeah. Sometimes it just feels so live in the moment with him. Though honestly when it all first started it really was live in the moment. Now you think twice. You realize you ain't getting any younger. And the hours you work means its impossible to widen your social circle. Gulp. Old maid. Gulp. Haha. I'm having fun freaking myself out.

I need a family to keep me grounded. Sane. My family is insane so the solace you get from them can be a bit insane at times. My mother's solution to my fatigued and stressed nights is to buy me few hundred dollar health supplements which I'm not even sure are FDA-approved or not.

no sheeet

The worst thing in the world to do when you're working via remote access from home at 2am is to surf Kinkybluefairy's website.

That usually will be the point where you start to wonder again why the heck are you putting yourself through all this. We're into the end of 1Q10 and I really wonder where the time has gone to.

I have no time to spend my money as well. That's just about the only good thing that's come out of this.

I suspect by the time all this over, there won't be any shit that I can't take.