Today I Give Thanks

Despite the fact I had to work til 10pm today, I still give thanks.

Because nobody shot me in my report launch!

*does jig*

In fact, nobody asked any awful questions.

*pauses mid-jig to wonder why*

Aiya, who cares why! As long as I didn't look too stupid!

*sambung jig*
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Given its a tough sector, naturally I was made to write a follow-up note within 3 hours of the launch, but to me, that's a small trade-off for not being a target of live rounds.

I promise I will not diss other people's babies. Thank you God.

If I promise not to brag that my babies will have perfect eyesight, will you help make tomorrow's calls have zero questions too?
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But what's this?!?! Another friend my age just threw a hen's party?

*kiasu face*

Hahah. Somehow I love doing this. The more I meow, the more hilarious it gets. The more hilarious it gets, the more I get tickled.

Remembering Blue Eyes

5:11pm.

Blue eyes.

Either I must be suffering from what must be the worst PMS bout in history or I've mentally completely shut down.

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What items, if any, should one keep for remembrance?

Remembrance, is a sad word. It implies never again, not any more, whatever it is that you want to remember has reached the end a long time ago. Bittersweet, I think. The sort of thought that hits you 20 years down the line as you take your evening walk, and you tilt your head to one side, wondering why on earth this surfaces after so long. The sort of thought that makes you wonder, again and again. If things didn't turn out the way they did, what, you wonder, could have happened?

Remembrance is a heavy word too. Too much remembrance leaves you stuck, unable to move on. You're stuck midway between your new life and your old one, unable to free yourself.

There are many things that I have not stopped missing or remembering.

But I don't need items. The memory of it all is still fresh and clear as if it was yesterday. I suspect I was an elephant in my past life.

You know the times I keep saying "Can't remember?". Hah. 80% of the time its because I don't want anyone to know I cared enough to remember. The other 20% is if I made a mistake and don't want to own up. :D

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On the eve of the second most important event in my work life, I feel absolutely empty. I don't know what I've done again to get this far. I have a house, compared to a year ago. But have I truly made an impact in the world? Much as I hope so, I don't think my smarmy little report is even going to make a dent in the passage of time.

Hence why I'm squirreling all the money I can (well except for the splurge on Europe). Because I don't want to get addicted to earning all this money. In the end, I'd have nothing to show for this life except a Ferrari. Miserable with a Ferrari. Might as well end my life right now.

Losing myself. Not funny. Nice house ain't gonna help cut it either.

Fuck. Dreading the preparation I have to do tonight when all I wanna do is listen to Cowboy Casanova and stick pins into people, or listen to Blue Eyes and churn up the longest sobfest in history.

Yeah, I think it's PMS.

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Just checked Facebook and another primary school friend is married.

Shucks. It's just the competitive spirit in me absolutely can't take it, nothing else. LOL.

Launching a Kempen Tak Nak

I have reached the end of my physical and mental limit. When the FX team turned around and screwed everyone in the ass (me included) today, I just wanted to throw in the towel and quit. What made me really want to pick up the carving knife and go after them was the fact that this was supposed to be the first time in weeks that I get to wake up without an alarm.

You may think I'm a sucker for being busy, that I love complaining that I'm busy because it sounds so self important but really, all I want to do is go somewhere where nobody knows my name. I can be myself, I don't have to know or care how the markets did because I'd be living in my idea of a perfect world -

One where I have a small cosy home with all the things I've collected from my travels. Knick knacks from friends, little trinkets of memories. I let myself in quietly, go to the fridge, and take my favourite Kickapoo in a green bottle (not a damn can) and sit on my verandah. My view obviously is one of the sea, I love the sea. I'll sit there in the breeze, and as the sun turns velvet in the sky, soft music - Suerte sang by Jason and Ximena - will come filtering through the light wispy white curtains. And I'll take a deep breath. Knowing I've come so far, finally being able to let myself be proud of me. Knowing that I don't have to fight any more.

I work towards that day. In that world, I won't be afraid of sleeping in the dark alone, in fact, I love the time when I can switch off the lights and climb into my soft sheets and let myself drift.

I used to be able to that - only until I was 12. Not any more. Not for a long, long, time.

You've heard of women desperate to settle down. But ever heard of anyone getting desperate to find peace?
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Superhero took me to Ah Koong for the first time in 6 months since I joined the new firm. A part of me came out that hasn't been out to play for a long time. We talked, laughed, shared secrets, (well the sharing constituted of me digging and him going 'why you wanna know for?!') and I forgot how much I missed comfortable companionship and sharing of thoughts.

I'm so looking forward to Krabi with Y. Actually, at this point, I just welcome any free time to myself. Rather sit around a porch doing nothing than go to the mall nowadays. Getting old and anti-social.
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Had drinks with a couple of people yesterday, and Playboy really surprised me. Well, not surprised, but more .. proven right.

I never thought he'd be the kind of person to go -

Ex-Colleague: So heard you're the man about town huh?
Playboy: Well I used to be during those times...
Ex-Colleague: (in reference to a girl) heard that didn't end very well...
Playboy: Ahh.. there was another girl..
Me: Omg (mock horror) so bad.
Ex-Colleague: You're just so damn confident aren't you..?
Playboy: Well, of course! Have you seen the competition out there?

- this is the part where I just went .......... -

So girls, dangerous and self-confident is good, you will dig it. But erm, habeas corpus? Modus operandi? Ancora Imparo?

Wtf is that latin word for buyer beware?

Ah.

Caveat emptor.
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I even forgot what I wanted to say when I titled this post "Launching a Kempen Tak Nak"

Tak nak buat kerja?
Tak nak tiada kehidupan?
Tak nak hidup tanpa cinta?

Sudah lupa.

one way ticket to oblivion

I've bought the ticket to Europe. Will be spending some time immersed in Zurich before I make my way towards Paris. I don't mind going alone, it's usually when I'm alone that I absorb the most sights and see the most things.


I can't wait to see the Louvre, clutch a hot chocolate paper cup to warm my hands (they always freeze no matter the thickness of the gloves I wear) and just stand there watching life.


A life so far removed from my own right now. Where everyday it seems like I'm just in it for the money and the superiority of seeing my name in print. The euphoria wears off faster each time, like drugs.
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It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what day it is today. I can't remember what I did last weekend, where I ate, who i did haha. the last one was for Superhero and all his blow job nonsense.

I see so many interesting things I'd like to blog about, but by the time I get home, I would have forgotten all about them.

All I can remember is-

1) I told my CEO that honestly one of the reasons why I joined the company was because I loved the fact they always did business lunches in Japanese restaurants and I think Japanese food is the bomb.

2) I went "huh, who's altman?" when one of my bosses suggested I "do Altman" to assess a company. Nampaknya my CFA level 2 has been banished to the deepest recesses of "how the heck can I remember land"

3) Looking at my dead fish face and lumbering exhausted sluggish walk, my boss asked me to sign a letter on Monday, the type that Apple now makes its employees sign where they pledge that they will not kill themselves. Ci ku.
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Next week - Singapore, the Great Singapore sale, Universal Studios and just brainless shopping. Yahoo. I earned this, bradder.

meanie beanie

I'm becoming this meanie person.

I don't like it.

Time to do a soul check.

If only that report would write itself.

All I want to do is stay at home and roll around my new apartment in my black jammies in my 400-dollar sheets.

can somebody steal the lightning away!!

I think somebody up there hates me.

Seriously.

The first night alone in the new house, unused to having so much square feet after 5 months of living out of a suitcase, it had to storm and rain like nobody's business. Complete with finishes of lightning and thunder and creepy wind sounds, which just seem all the more scary when you're on the 23rd floor of a 25th floor building.

Meow. :( Takut.

Some more.. some more.... my curtains are not ready yet.... *bawls miserably*

And I'm scared of lightning and thunder and creepy wind sounds since I was a kid. :((((
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To try to focus on something else, let me tell you a story about a car and a traffic cone.

Was at the Eastin Sprint toll heading towards DJ when I saw a car in front of me veer madly from the Smart tag lane all the way to the left toll lanes which said "Tunai", hitting a few cones in its path. So I let the car go in front of me at the toll booth and what do I see but a traffic cone somehow stuck to its back right tyre, clanking like mad on the road.

The driver paid the toll and sped off like Watson Nyambek on steroids.

I pulled up to the toll booth and the toll lady was laughing her head off.

I tried to catch up with the car to try and alert him that he might actually kill someone if that traffic cone dislodged itself and went hurtling through another car's window, then realized my Myvi just wasn't built to go fast and furious.

Might have been a good idea to pull back, wouldn't want to be the casualty of an orange traffic cone.

one upper

Just received yet another wedding invitation, and this time I'm reluctant to go. Mostly because I'm up to my nose in work til the 2nd week of June, but partly because I don't see the point.

Truly I am getting more and more jaded as time passes - but I can't help wondering if I'm the realistic one seeing through all the farce.

I mean, is it just our sole aim as women in this world to land someone eligible and have babies with him? Standing from this vantage point, I feel excluded from the group of women who feel secretly pleased when raving about their wedding or feel so proud that they're married and are going to have a baby. It feels like nothing but pure one-upping to me - "Oh I'm getting married, you must come!" and then show off the guy like he's Adonis. I mean hello girl, firstly I haven't seen you for years and you invite me to your wedding? And that isn't exactly a Species Numero Uno you've got there, so why the need to rub it in?

Now you're probably thinking I'm jealous because I don't have a ring on my finger yet, but its not that. I just feel its pointless. When I get married, I will brutally filter the guest list to leave only the important people. Only the people who truly care.

But maybe I'm farcical too. I'm so proud of the house and have been pasting pictures of it on Facebook, so perhaps I deserve to be labelled a one-upper too.

It truly is a one-up world.

oh. mai. gawd.

jesus holy mother of god.

i just realized it's May.

By the time June comes, all I'd have to show for is one year's worth of aging in 6 months, a couple more extra frequent flier miles, a half empty new apartment, additional 3kg and two reports. It's so sad, this existence. You know you're sliding into a cesspool of overachiever misery when your only daily entertainment is trying to see how fast you can speed through the Penchala tunnel so that you won't lose the cellphone signal and get cut off the line.

So far I have never made it. Sigh, just one of those unachievable things in life.

I have designated compartments for life which robs half the fun. This time is for work, that time is for play, this time is for sleep and this time is allocated for giving my mom directions over the phone. So far, I'm trying to keep personal life as one of those spontaneous things, but if that goes too and I find myself wondering if I can squeeze 5 minutes before work, then I say it's probably high time I got dumped by loved ones and family. Or self-dumped due to extreme guilty feelings.

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The equity markets were bathed in a sea of red today which aptly matched my mood - I wanted to kill the sofa deliverymen who took their friggin time in transporting the thing to the new house, making me wait for two full hours. In two hours, I probably could have written 3 solid paragraphs.

But I felt bad when I saw them because the two poor foreign workers were scrambling and stuttering to carry the sofa from the lift into the house, grovelling apologetically all the while and sweating and heaving profusely under the weight of the huge sofa. These guys came here to eke out a living doing these menial work and had actually been late because their lorry was detained by the cops checking for identification. So I tipped them RM50.

I'm such an easy sucker. Tears spring to my eyes every time I'm on a MAS flight and the stewardess says "To all Malaysians, welcome home.". Every single fucking time. You'd think after all the travel I'd be immune by now.

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Peugeot RCZ - oh. my. god. I'm sold. I'm sold. Just tell me how much extra installment I have to pay each month.

count the small things

My walls are blue. No, not that wall, that belongs to a designer. That formed the inspiration shameless copying I did for my own bedroom - below.

Only mine is tending towards baby blue because I don't have the same white tiles to really make the room pop.

Everything seems to be coming together. It wasn't just 3 days ago when I sat in the car in my building sobbing my heart out over the fact that I always seem to have to be handling things - that was after I yelled at my contractor for all the delays, right before I had to go to Singapore for my first marketing trip.

Feels like its the last leg now, and I just have to hold it together just a little longer. That's what I've always did anyway, not to be boastful or anything. Just hanging in there for that one more minute, pushing it just that little bit farther. Nothing I could do to avoid it.

The sofa, fridge, glass console table, TV table and Kartell lamp are being delivered next Saturday. The rest of the furniture should be out of storage by then. I'm still contemplating whether to splurge 4k on a custom built wardrobe or make do with the IKEA one and use that money instead for a ticket to Europe.

Tuff, this is.

Anyway, I'm just happy I got blue walls. And green striped walls in the hallway.