you came, you lived, you learnt

Every time I feel like moaning about how I have to work weekends, or 14 hour days or not being able to go and do shopping or run errands as I like, I think of this -

The report looks understandable. Not so much like the blob of gobbledygook it was last week.
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Superhero, if you were 29 and single, I'd be on your case telling you to go.

Because you have a family, I hold back.

Like I was telling the boyfriend a few days back -

"How do you want to be remembered? As someone who was part of just one thing great, or someone who did so many of nothing much at all?"

Okay I know this sounds so dramatic for something like a career change, but to me, it isn't just a job. It's who you are, and it's your choices that define who you are.

I chose to suffer, not because I'm a sado-masochist, but because I believe in waking up knowing you're going to be challenged, knowing that at the end of it, you can look back and say "wow, i can't believe i did that". I wanted to be part of that new team, knowing we have a lot to prove. I am proud to be part of that team whom I know can make it to the top someday. Knowing not all days will be that way, but whatever you go through will be worth it in the end. You came, you lived, you learnt. Period.

will it get better?

I opened my eyes, and just didn't feel like opening them. Days like these come once in awhile - I'm disoriented, and I don't know what I have to show for in this world. It takes a gargantuan effort to focus, to remind myself of just how much I've done. Far cry from those days.

I still manage to keep it together no matter how shitty things get - that has to count for something, no? I keep listing down and repeating what I've done, sometimes I succeed and the feeling goes away, other times I just burrow down in bed, and sleep til the next morning.

This is the 'other time'. It doesn't matter how many items I've ticked off my life list, it doesn't matter how other people would kill to get my life, at times like these, I just feel like saying, "You want it? You can have it.." and then disappear into my favourite dream - the one where I'm living on a farm.

Your twenties can be a really sucky time. One moment you feel on top of the world, the next, you fall into a yawning chasm.

Does it ever get better?

The soul feels weary. Where does a poor weary traveller rest but in his memories? Leaning against an old tree, the traveller takes off his cap and rests it on the ground. He looks up at the foliage above, and remembers. Taking out the memories one by one like little treasures out of a secret chest, he dusts them off, savours them.

His eyes glisten as he remembers the days, smells the scents of yesterday.

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nyc 2006. feeling free.

sometimes i long for the simple things again. autumn leaves, crisp air, blue skies, and a lighter heart.

Rule the world or rule the roost?

My idea of success when I was a slightly overweight kid with mushroom hair and thick knees back in school was of being a denizen of the fast-paced corporate world, always needing to be someplace, power-walking on stilettos from the plane to the waiting chauffeured car, one eye on the PDA in my palm and the other hand smoothening out the imaginary creases on my sharp single-breasted Armani suit.

That idea didn't change when I first got a job in investment banking. Fuelled by books like 'Monkey Business' and 'The Accidental Investment Banker', I knew I was on my way to living that idea. And I'm still on track - having selected a career that promises travel and exposure, the sort of business travel where you spend the whole day in meetings and only spend 6 hours in your 6-star hotel room; the one-city-a-day, see-Paris-from-the-backseat-of-chauffeured-car kind of travel.

But thoughts of a different life surface once in awhile. Blame it on genetics, female DNA, or God's way of ensuring the population continues populating, but I sometimes imagine what it will be like to spend my days playing in the sandbox with the cutest little toddler in a white sailor suit, having butter and honey pancakes for breakfast in the garden with Junior while flipping through magazines for ideas for my latest home decoration project, having ice cream for lunch with my daughter to commemorate 'Just Because' day where we do anything just because we want to.

Sliding down into the warm waters of the Ritz's bathtub at 3am, leaning back and looking out of the huge window by the tub overlooking the bay, thinking about ruling the world. You wonder if it will come a time when you realize it's just a bunch of BS and that all you want to do is teach your toddler to fingerpaint or decorate the home.

Amber and I have been having not-so-serious conversations about domesticated life.

Amber - Fuck this shit. I wanna be a house wife.

Me - Ya, I can come over to your house after dropping my kid off in school. We can sit around having coffee before picking them up for their swim class or piano class.

Amber - Yeah... I don't mind that. Never thought I'd be having this conversation with you so soon.

But apparently, in this era of enlightened female empowerment, you're supposed to want more for yourself than making babies.

Playboy - Hows the job?

Me - Really good, learning alot, but I don't think I'll be doing this forever.

Playboy - That's just what you say.

I guess I pull off the corporate bitch look quite well. :)

I still remember the two dreams I had - the one where I was pregnant and protectively shielding my stomach everywhere I walked, and the other one where I was on my knees scrubbing the floor of the new condo waiting for my husband to come home to show him what I did that day. Only thing I don't know who my husband will be because when I heard his keys open the front door, I woke bloody up.

But I think I'll work for awhile after I get married. Basically pursuing our careers while being married, sounds very very nice to me. You can work til 3am knowing that there'll be somebody at home warming the sheets. Lol.

Jeez, I really don't know where these thoughts are coming from. Blame it on the last person who recently announced she's getting married. At least I still have Amber and gang to remind me that not everyone's getting hitched yet.

Happy Chinese New Year. Tomorrow's another day of hints from my mom and assorted family members, which I've learnt to deflect rather well by stuffing my mouth full of food and going "pffmph!!" when they ask unanswerable questions.

Definitely.. Maybe

Reading Superhero's post on how people desire some form of rhythm to their lives brought about thoughts about the opposite - how random meetings, chance encounters and one-off experiences leave us with a multitude of possibilities, many forking of paths. For some, it's not so much actually pursuing every possibility that they want, but the freedom of knowing that they could do it anytime.

Knowing you have a choice helps you do the right thing at the right time, even if it isn't something you want to do at the moment. I used to think I was losing out if I didn't go chasing after every dream - I think I'd be in a mental institution by now if I wanted to be everything, do everything.

I'm pretty clear about the path I'm on, where I want to go. Though I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of what's out there. But somehow, knowing that I can have it / do it whenever I choose to, suddenly renders me indifferent to whether I take that path or not.

That's the litmus test of how important a thing / person is to you. If you know you're going to be able to do it / have it tomorrow, would you still want it as bad? If yes, then pursue it, hold on to it, never let it go.

Things I Definitely Maybe Want To Do.. But Have Shelved For the Moment In Pursuit of What's More Important

1) Teach English in the middle of nowhere, like Kazakhstan, for a year.

2) Be a fruit-picker / assistant in a rural farmhouse in a small village in France / Italy for 6 months

3) Work in Melbourne and make weekend trips in my sports convertible to Mornington Peninsula and surrounds

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying give up on your dreams. Just know what's important for the moment and do it. No need to worry about when you're going to do the other things on your list, because they will happen if they're important enough. I'm hardly spiritual, so I won't say trust that God will do what's best. But this is based on some basic cosmic belief in a higher power that all things eventual.. will eventuate.

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On a lighter note, I've crossed over international borders for my job, in the first month of work. It was just Singapore, for a corporate event on a yacht (hello linen pants, bare feet and nautical striped tote) but that's faster than the comparable period in my first job.

I've met new people, seen what I can do, what I will be doing. I know I'll do some over the next few months, others I might never do (like understand what it is that derivatives traders do). So am I open to the possibility that anything can happen?

Definitely.. maybe.

Macam Made It Tak?

Never in my 25+ years did I think I'd manage to own a place with a KLCC view. Yeah yeah, its a speck in the distant horizon, but if you squint hard enough you can see the spires of Twin Towers and KL Tower.

I know it's going to be a headache with the renovations and contractors, but just let me savour this feeling of accomplishment for a bit. Because it rarely comes often - the way I heap the pressure, expectations and self-criticism on myself.

I wanted to lie down on the bedroom floor and do a 360 degree wiggle and roll on the floor, but the boyfriend would have looked at me funny. As it is, I already did a 360 degree hoppy jig in the master bedroom squealing "My room can see KLCC!! My room can see KLCC!!"

No offence, but I'm not sure he'd fathom the magnitude of my elation - him living in a nice house, not having to pay rent or a car loan. And me, having lived in a terrace house with a back room whose window overlooked a graveyard (you don't even need a binoculars to see the grave markers even), then on the 2nd level room of a rented house that was used as a classroom in the day time and subsequently a condo with a room whose window opened out into an airwell. I never complained, because it was the best we could afford at that time and as kids you never think about things like class and money and prestige, but it sure does feel damn. bloody. good to be able to buy an apartment myself now.

I think of the Mastercard ad -

"Buying a condo, RM390k. Building your own home, priceless."

morning, noon and night

Good morning world.

Good night world.

Good morning world.

Good night world.

The cycle continues. Looking at the things I have to do, I don't think I'll be getting any sleep this 6 months. Vacant possession of the new condo came way earlier than I expected (next week versus end March) and I am now running around like an 'ayam tiada berkepak' because I haven't even given ANY thought to the renovations.

I do reckon I'll be moving in as-is, and the house will be as-is til July. Unless my mother moves up here temporarily to oversee the renovations, there is NO way I can get anything done.

It Sucks With A Capital...

I was asking him what he thought of something.

He scrunched up his nose and said, "It sucks, with a capital 'uck'.."

It's hard to believe my boyfriend is 27 this year. Many things I will never understand about him - like why he loves to shower in water hot enough to cook a crab.

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All my damn forget-me-nots withered in Farmville. In fact, EVERYTHING withered in Farmville. Previously, I'd be screaming if I forgot to harvest them, but now I don't really care two hoots. They're not even real crops, they're just digital!

This just goes to show how much of spare time I had then. :)

And how little I have now. :(

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There's a nice place called Hanazen in Jaya One if you're looking for a new Jap place to eat.

Counting Sushi Zanmai, Zen, Rakuzen, Kampachi, Sugimoto etc as my regular haunts, it was time we found some place new. So check out what the rest are saying about Hanazen, I'm not the type who regularly takes pictures of food. Too busy eating them.

Kuriya sucks by the way.

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I am beyond grateful for one extra day of holiday. My mind, weary and battle-worn, feels like it's been dragged through a psychological warzone. I try to believe that God never gives us more than we can handle, and if every day passes with us continuing to stay alive, it means we can handle it. We may be hurt, devastated, grieving, empty, lonely, soulless, heartsick, frustrated, angry, pining - but we are still alive.

Regardless of what I face everyday, it has become a daily routine to me - to remind myself of what is important. What's important is to have someone who knows you, someone you can come home to at the end of the day, and let everything slip, as you step into your own self, the self you can only be when the two of you are alone, the self that he sees, not the self that the world sees. Drifting off to a sound sleep together is what I hold most precious nowadays - a far cry from my relatively younger and wild-er days, when every weekend meant staying out til the wee hours, flitting and flirting with risky possibilities, unknowing that a bigger part of my life was waiting patiently for me to be ready.

In the hectic pace of those days, it seemed like I was just passing time. Passing time til I realized my life's purpose. Not that I've fully realized it now, but I do know I'm on track to knowing. And when I do, all the mistakes, the fumbles and missteps will all become clear to me finally.

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And back to that 27 year old again. Always when he sees me clattering away at my computer with a furrowed look on my face, he knows immediately that I'm writing on my blog, and without fail, like clockwork, will always grin and ask, "Are you writing something nice about me?"

Sometimes, even when I'm alone at home late at night, ranting digitally about the latest trauma to befall me, I still half expect him to pop out from behind me with his big brown grinning eyes asking that same question, and then, after receiving no response from me except an indulgent smile, he will promptly follow up with, "I'm sure you're writing about how kooool your boyfriend is".

And yes, he pronounces it as 'kooool' with four Os.