They Said You'd Feel On Top Of The World

You would think having a string of achievements under your belt would leave you satisfied, confident and frankly, on top of this world.

But not for a kid with abandonment issues. I read schizophrenia.com the other day, and I was shocked to find out that I could identify with what most of the offspring of people with schizophrenia were going through.

1. Inability to accept love - And the ability to block people out emotionally, the ability to detach myself so easily from my surroundings, makes people think I don't feel anything or I don't give a damn.

2. Easily hurt - Wondering too often what people think, fearing they're thinking the worst of you can lead to over-trying, over-achieving just so people will think of you as normal or confident or accomplished or .

Thank god that I have not seen dad in 10 years. Imagine how I would have been more affected had he still been a part of my life. As it is, I struggle to re-program myself, block out excessively negative thoughts and try to be happy and satisfied every day.

Always I try to live and experience everything as if today were my last - but I wonder if I could be taking it too far. To quit my job now in favour of a one-year overseas sojourn in a volunteering position, to leave a good guy behind, to leave a career where I've just made manager at 25 (one of the youngest in the company), sounds like suicide. The part of me that wants to go says there is no time like the present. But somehow I can't feel the push to go. Does that mean I'm giving something up by choosing to stay?

This upcoming home project is yet another one of my little attempts to be normal. I find peace and contentment in browsing for sofas, contemplating color schemes and searching for little decorative accentuations. I am still looking for home, but this time, instead of running away to find it, I'm attempting to build one with my own hands.

Wish me luck.