hiding from my mind

I.. I... I....

am hiding. From my thoughts.

Those thoughts of late have centred on where I'm headed to in life, and just how much is enough. Matters are complicated further when I hear every other day about people much younger than me getting married.

Met a uni junior of mine for lunch, and she's engaged. I go on Facebook, and my sister's high school classmate is getting married next year too.

Have they found something I haven't? Or conversely, is my life so full now that I don't need forever ever after?

The full impact of turning 26 is probably only just settling in. I have so much more I want to do and see, that time, in all its glory, is running out.

This new job has opened up a world of possibilities. But in return, I pay a very high price. Whether it is all worth it, it depends what time of day I ask myself that question.

Coming off a high where my report caught the stock price on its incredible upward shot, I'll probably say the euphoria is worth it. On evenings when I come back brain-drained, maybe it's not so worth it after all.

All this while, he's been quietly supporting me and listening to my half-mad rants about quitting just about every other day. And I'm grateful.

But I'm so tired of hearing "pls just take it easy and go on" and all I want to do is rest my head down and let someone else take the spotlight. I want to be behind somebody, being the backstage supporter for once.

Because life isn't about the mad highs and being the star attraction. I've chased the highs and rode the lows, dreamt of exciting escapades and running away to set up a beach bar in an exotic country. Much like how people move overseas to a foreign environment to be with the one they love, its the same where you stay where you are because you've found something that's worth more?

I am still asking myself that question. Will I regret it one day?

I gave up the opportunity almost twice, and day by day it slips away.

I feel so old tonight.