ive forgotten

I am most likely going out of my mind - its getting to the point where I consciously have to tell my mind not to go there.

But where's there?

There is where I start thinking my life is getting quite meaningless, chasing after something my ego thinks it needs - a stellar jetsetting career at the expense of relationships and sanity. There is where I realize I have serious control issues, and where I actually believe that if I stop moving, everything around me will collapse.

It's gotten to the point where I avoid anything that could trigger those thoughts on a deeper level. Maybe if I just hold out til the bonus next year, then I can quit and work on growing my soul.

But I am reading Eat, Pray, Love now (for somebody who doesn't touch self-helppy books with a ten foot pole, I'm one to talk) and it scares the living bejesus out of me that I find so much to describe myself to the point the book is peppered with dog ears.

There has been those moments - sweatily climbing up the higgledy piggledy steps near Stanley street on Hong Kong Island looking for a famed dessert place, walking briskly from client office to client office on 3 inch stilettos in Hong Kong's massive covered snaking overhead bridges, standing over the window overlooking Singapore's Marina Bay with the evening glow casting a low light on the spires of the financial district.

Those small portions of time I take for myself, eagerly clinging on to them with a soul so dry and thirsty that I sometimes have even forgotten how to secure moments with my own hands. The more reports I write, stocks I chase, clients I pitch to, day in day out over long corporate lunches, in glitzy offices to swanky lounges, I slowly forget how to..... write.

I've forgotten how to describe moments - they just pass by too fast. The fading thought that I once decided I wanted this - this mad kaleidoscopic rush - is surely but slowly losing its lustre.