you are not alone

Hey friend.....

Are we the only two people awake so late tonight? Its 12:41am, I just Blackberry chatted you 4 hours ago on the way to a dinner meetup with another friend of mine.

I was so exhausted today but I was looking forward to wishing you a happy birthday. I was also looking forward to seeing Mouse, whom I've not seen for more than month. My body was screaming with fatigue but I absolutely had to stay awake for another few more hours just so I can talk awhile with a few people who have made an impact on my life.

And it's funny, because as I lie propped up in bed with my laptop above the covers past midnight, I can't sleep. Not even the spacious blue calming room can lull me into a solace needed for bedtime. It's a comforting thought, this room with blue and white walls - a blank canvas for me to start rewriting a life, changing a destiny, driving a new dream.

But tonight it's a painful reminder of what I have had to give up just to buy the walls surrounding me now. Myself. You would never have thought a job could be so hard, and it's definitely related to the fact that I swore by the time I could swear that whatever I attempted to do in this life would be executed flawlessly, with no imperfections as far as anyone could catch.

I would not allow myself to get caught in the web of ineffectuality, mediocrity and ultimate ruin that my Dad drove himself to, spending his fortune away on.

But that single-mindedness has crafted a complex individual - strong and ruthless, not above doing anything just to get a job done well, but also a helpless, desperate soul being taken farther and farther away from what she hopes to eventually find in this lifetime - peace with herself and her accomplishments. It is exactly this type of soul that this industry feeds on, souls in need of recognition of success after success.

So, friend, you're probably thinking that if your problem was work, you'd be so relieved and be falling asleep right now. And yeah, in your context, work is the puniest worry ever. If I were just an acquaintance, I'd go "congratulations" but you and I both know if I said it now, it would just sound as fake as Pamela Anderson's tits.

I know you're not okay. Nobody in your position could be okay. I won't say it all happens for a reason - it's a reason only you can establish for yourself. But I hope you will be okay, perhaps in the same vein of hope that I have for myself, that I will be okay too.

And sometimes, when it's all dark and quiet and you're falling with no one to catch you, even a voice that emerges saying "I hope you will be okay" may be enough to break your fall for awhile.

So I know you're not okay, but I'll wait for the day when I can finally say "Congratulations" to you deeply, sincerely, with the same feelings of best hopes and joy one feels for a friend returning home after a long journey.

And I? I'm waiting for the day where I can sit on my lounge chair in the evening, with the white whispy curtains billowing in the soft breeze, listening to Suerte, and realize I can remove the word "but...." after the sentence I say to myself quietly - "Well done."