Psych 101

inside, i was boiling with anger. anger at having so much life and energy, yet am crippled with this weak, fluttering mind. anger at being given the chance to drive my dreams in the day, but insidiously taking me a few steps back at night. mostly, just angry that i had to come back again.

yesterday night scared me because i was so close to giving up, my mind nearly slipped. scared me to the point i jumped into a car first thing in the morning and shot like a bullet towards home to solve this crap once and for all.

i hate sitting outside a psychiatrist's office. it looks like a morbid scene where the recently deceased lie soullessly as they are ferried into the afterlife on River Styx. i remember taking a few hours off work once to take my housemate to this clinic in the building opposite KLCC. there were mothers in confinement with swollen eyes (post natal blues - some of em end up killing their babies), a scrawny girl with uncombed hair and dead eyes (maybe fail exam, serotonin imbalance, got bullied, got dumped) and old people with dementia (self-explanatory). it was hard, being so full of life, to walk through that place.

it was harder today, because it felt like i was coming back to a place i thought i'd left behind for good 6 years ago. perhaps my mother has drilled this lesson hard into me, or perhaps i'm just plain vain. you have to dress well even if its just a visit to the psychiatrist, even when you absolutely have the right to look smelly and unkempt because you haven't slept for days.

so there i was, shirt, cufflinks, jeans and belt with matching suede heels and Tod's bag. i looked like a jilted young mistress going for her monthly drug fix.

haha *cue sarcastic snort*

the funniest part of this was -
before i left to the clinic, my mom called her regular GP to see if we coudn't get sleeping pills and be done with it. the GP asked for my symptoms, said something to her on the phone and she looked at me.

"Drugs?" she mouthed.
"Are you nuts?!" I yelled.

That's how I ended up driving to the hospital hopping mad.

People are just so quick to misunderstand. Next thing they wonder if u just got dumped. Fucking predictable. All walking past, seeing me sitting outside the psych's office, i wanted to scare the shit out of them by jumping on the chairs mrowling, "My life is great, assholes. I just suffer from anxiety attacks. Eat that, stupid."