About failure

I always was my own harshest critic. The first person I blamed would always be myself - even if it was for situations outside my own control. I have problems receiving compliments - somebody senior recently told me they trust me beyond doubt, and all I could feel was uncomfortable.

It is a huge problem - and something I have been working on. Make no mistake, behavioral changes and life outlooks are infinitely hard to bring about - but I have too much at stake here. My lifetime of happiness. Of enjoying the respect I deserve, the beautiful life and career I have built for myself.

And most importantly, the harnessing of the strength needed to go on alone.

I am a quantitative, goals-oriented person. And I see no harm in measuring my progress with a yardstick across time - I can safely say, the person I am now has progressed much compared to the desolate mess I was on May 1st. I still need someone to take care of me, and I'm still weak after the year long battle, but I've learned to pace, to feel the hurt, and most recently, to feel those pockets of optimism in the morning after I get into my car.

The pain hasn't gone away, but the sense of purpose is growing. On what is good for me, what is not. On avoiding people who have made it clear there is no space for me anywhere, and gravitating towards those who do.

And about learning that there are some mistakes where there is simply no silver lining.

Google Thought Catalog for "The Worst Kind of Failure That Nobody Talks About". And you'll know what I mean.
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My lesson for the week - people's actions can only be explained by 2 reasons. The avoidance of suffering or the fulfillment of desire. Think about the people around you and how or why they are treating you. What is the core reason?

Sometimes, the simplest things make the most sense.
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It's Friday, I'm so sick I can barely lift my head up, and all I want to do is run home, sink into those sheets and sleep.