The years past may have been about that, but 2010 is not. Because you will die, frankly and literally, if you beat yourself up everyday.
Who cares what other people think about you now? That you're young, inexperienced - you were warned coming in, weren't you? That some people have a decade more on you and the next 6 months is going to be tough on you.
I was told all that. But I never knew it could be this tough. I sleep to escape reality.
It's too early to tell though, whether I will love this job or not. It might just end up to be the painful learning curve talking at the moment.
Sometimes I ask myself why. Oh why did I choose the harder road? I could have stayed in my old job, cruised along, won accolades easily now and then (not that I'm boasting, but it really isn't that hard to shine when you're with a group of people who are content to stay where they are), probably focus on my personal life more, get married, I don't know.
But I had to know what's out there. Betul padan muka, kan. I can only hope that in a year's time when I'm looking back on this year, it will be one of satisfaction.
It is a wonder that news hasn't yet spread at the new firm about how inept I am. I never go into anything hoping someone will give me a break, maybe thats why I'm harder on myself. I have a big report due in 3 weeks, I call it the make-or-break report.
Somehow I just need to find the strength to pull this through.
Stress can be a curiously alienating thing. Evolving circumstances can be alienating too. I feel so alone sometimes and no amount of confessing or ranting can help. It's not fair to expect him to automatically know what I'm going through, but it would definitely be good to feel less... alone.
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I had a nap earlier, and I dreamt I was backpacking through Finland or Iceland. Sitting at the local coffeehouse of a small village, drinking steaming mugs of malt with my uncle who came backpacking with me. Bliss.
Then I woke up, and we all know what happens when you wake up from a nice dream. Especially if nice dreams only come once every century or so.
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I suspect I've got fucking eczema. Been scratching non-stop since I started work. And my legs look like a swarm of mozzies had an all-night Thanksgiving feast on them. I never have eczema! I'm not the sort of person eczema happens to, you get what I mean?! I'm not the sort of person pimple breakouts happen to, either! So what the fuck are you doing on my face! Sorry, just being a bimbo. I suspect my eczema is due to sunlight underexposure. Because I leave home when its still dark and return home when it's guess what? Dark! My only chance at photosynthesizing sunlight is during lunch hour - which at this new office is truly lunch HOUR and not lunch hours.
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