Ooops

I think I did it again.

No matter how many times I caution myself not to, I always end up doing it.

What, you think?

Guess I volunteered / engineered a work situation where I am again, as with years past, put out of my league in a client meeting that I facilitated and set up. Goodness, will you ever learn?

Why can't you sit back and take advantage of the slow year end spiral like everyone else?

Why do you have to go and set a meeting about a topic people think you know about but you actually don't.

Well in a nutshell, I'm supposed to know it , in this department. But I haven't had time to learn, given it is not my area of responsibility.

Now I'm scared.

Because the more senior you get, the bigger the mistakes can be?

Crap.

About failure

I always was my own harshest critic. The first person I blamed would always be myself - even if it was for situations outside my own control. I have problems receiving compliments - somebody senior recently told me they trust me beyond doubt, and all I could feel was uncomfortable.

It is a huge problem - and something I have been working on. Make no mistake, behavioral changes and life outlooks are infinitely hard to bring about - but I have too much at stake here. My lifetime of happiness. Of enjoying the respect I deserve, the beautiful life and career I have built for myself.

And most importantly, the harnessing of the strength needed to go on alone.

I am a quantitative, goals-oriented person. And I see no harm in measuring my progress with a yardstick across time - I can safely say, the person I am now has progressed much compared to the desolate mess I was on May 1st. I still need someone to take care of me, and I'm still weak after the year long battle, but I've learned to pace, to feel the hurt, and most recently, to feel those pockets of optimism in the morning after I get into my car.

The pain hasn't gone away, but the sense of purpose is growing. On what is good for me, what is not. On avoiding people who have made it clear there is no space for me anywhere, and gravitating towards those who do.

And about learning that there are some mistakes where there is simply no silver lining.

Google Thought Catalog for "The Worst Kind of Failure That Nobody Talks About". And you'll know what I mean.
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My lesson for the week - people's actions can only be explained by 2 reasons. The avoidance of suffering or the fulfillment of desire. Think about the people around you and how or why they are treating you. What is the core reason?

Sometimes, the simplest things make the most sense.
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It's Friday, I'm so sick I can barely lift my head up, and all I want to do is run home, sink into those sheets and sleep.

A selection of short stories

Only positive, funny... or downright creepy ones ahead. I have personally decreed, no sad stories today. Everything else lately is crap, and my crap bandwidth keeps getting tested over and over again, so I no want to talk about it.
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The creepy one 

Two nights ago, I dreamt a dream I had never before dreamt in my life, nor did it in any way (as my dreams usually do) represent or even hint at a scenario that I'd faced in my waking life. Yes, none of those late for exam dreams that still plague the bananas out of me to this day.

I was surrounded by tall, beautiful women of all races, and we were lounging in what can be described a perfect, idyllic heaven of a resort. One thing in common was we all had long hair. Very very long Rapunzel-like hair. And the second similarity, we all had our hair wound round, and round our necks, and the rest of it falling from the base of our necks to our waists. Imagine a long scarf wound around you in winter, that was how we all looked. Golden hair, black hair, red hair, brown hair, among us women in the group. We were talking about our lives, and we touched on the topic of love and the men we love. That seemed to elicit an equal measure of horror and passion from the group.

"I can't love him any more." shuddered one woman. A black woman, with dark black hair.
An older woman nodded, she understood.
"Yes, be careful."

I must have been the resident newbie, because I was clearly puzzled by what that meant. I happened to glance to my left and noticed a young blond woman. At the base of her neck, where her coil of hair missed covering, was a purple patch.

I turned back to the black woman who earlier spoke.

"Why can't you love him any more?" I asked.

"Because.... I'm dying." she answered. And with that, she unwound the hair around her neck, round and round anti-clockwise, until her whole neck was revealed. Dark purple gaping round holes of various sizes dotted her neck, arranged in a stair-like ascending order, staring out at me.

I woke up sweating like crazy and reminded myself to write it down because this is a freaking scary one that I can tell to somebody I hate someday.
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As heard recently at a commodities trading company's roadshow -

Banker - This is so boring. All these commodities people.
Me - I thought comms traders are quite exciting people.
Banker - This is a boring bunch. I'm just waiting to eat the dim sum.
Me - Well, commodities prices are crap. They might just serve you corn on the cob. Or soybean milk. Or wheatgrass juice.

Banker - The risk guy just said .. "The current ratio, is very current."
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Every day I take the same route to work, and due to road closures in the morning nearby the bank, I always have to take a detour without fail which usually adds on a good 10 minutes to my morning drive. Which is all the difference in the world as it either means you are LATE ie past 845am or you are not.

On this detour, there is a one-way street which, if taken (illegally, in the opposite direction, of course), would cut the aforementioned time by half. Ie by 5 minutes.

I have gone the opposite way down that one-way street about 20 times in my whole career in this bank. But only once ever since I got my new car in October last year.

My fear of getting the new car scratched added to the list of "Why I should not drive the wrong way down a one-way street", which already had consisted of the reason "Because you will go to jail for the rest of your life if that family of 3 on a motorbike goes splat on your windshield".  

But I tell you, the ethical dilemma that I face every morning has never ceased.

I was speaking to a colleague who takes the same route - and he said it's usually the biggest decision he has to deliberate on every morning, without fail.

And you think banking life is so exciting. Myeh.

A legacy - The making of

This is what I would have told the 15 year old me -

Oh baby girl, you have so much, you just don't know it. The friends at school, the campfires, the parties, the accolades! Who cares that your skin is so dark from playing netball, who cares that the boy you liked at 13 told everyone his new girlfriend is better than you. (He came back to you at 16 anyway and then you dumped him at 17!) You laughed, you go to sleep at night at peace, looking forward to each new day. That, is something many people would pay millions for. 

This is what I would have told the 19 year old me -

Stop leaning on the dingy washing machine, looking out across the messy field of green stalks from your 4th floor hostel room window. Stop crying! It's a big change surely, and you don't know who you are in this big city, and A Levels is so hard I know! But life won't end if you don't get straight A's you know ... (Well I did get straight A's save for GP) 

This is what I would have told the 22 year old me -

.......................... 

This is what I would tell me now - 

Nothing is certain. Did it hurt? Yes! Well, errrrr.... Finally? Did you learn something? Yes! Errrr... Good. 

Will you die? Maybe not...... 

What's the worst that could happen? 

Erm, I get fired, my house gets broken into, my mother's health deteriorates, my car gets stolen, I break a leg, I piss off my CEO..... 

But has any of that happened yet? 

Erm.... No? 

Then go watch your DVD and Google pitch perfect 2 soundtrack and scour for Inside Out" trailers, you fool. 

You will get to finding what you will leave as your legacy soon. You have an idea, now you just need a plan. 

Snippets

Snip, snip. 

Part of my "be present" undertaking, is to remember more of what I do. 

The moment my head sank down on the white plush pillows at the newly opened Fairmont Jakarta, I knew in my heart I'd found something I didn't know I was needing for a very long time. A preciously soft, sinking, floating night's sleep. Until well, my CEO called in the middle of the night wanting his phone charger back and I had to run sans makeup, in tatty shorts, down to the lobby. Great impressions! 

We were sniffing the Chilean Pinot Noir in the hotel's only FnB outlet after I had agreed to go against my judgement of no South American whatever when Superhero said "Be glad you aren't one of those working women there and you don't have to sleep with a fat ass for money tonight". 

Again, perspective. That and learning not to be swept up, to rush, to play to so many other tunes have led to a slower pace, but not without a price to pay. Then again, other people pay their whole lives for something so who am I to talk. 

Flew back and was accosted by a father and small girl in the apartment lobby. 

Man - "can you make sure she gets to the 16th floor? She doesn't want me to go up with her." 

In the lift, instinct just kicked in and I just to ask, "which button is 16? Let's see....."

Clearly she hadn't yet learned to count but she said "it's around here..." Pointing out of memory, I suppose.

At her floor, she said she would turn left (at least she got that one right lol) and told me Thank you aunty in the sweetest voice ever that I forgave her a million times for calling me "Aunty." 

Getting home, I see my sports shoes laid out nicely for the site visit and I groan so hard that I literally am praying for a flood or calamity to occur so I won't have to fly out again. The person who said change is made by one's own hands clearly did not have a boss to report to. 

The Halfway House

Many years back, I swore I would never be mediocre.

The curse of mediocrity was one I never wanted to slide into, it reminded me too much of the past, the childhood, the everything I have lived but have turned into a foundation into which to (hopefully) build an extraordinary life.

But again, life will teach you lessons you never expect.

I'd been seriously thinking about scaling back at work for awhile. Ever since last year, but I chose to persevere until the promotion I was promised. According to some people, I was in a "batshit aggressive" phase last year, which in hindsight, I agree was completely unsustainable. But I had to do it to get to the promotion - and now, I'm coasting along as probably the youngest to have ever made this level.

Accolade enjoyed, recognized, and now I turn to what's more pressing.

In my current state, I'm re-learning how to trust my judgement, trust my feelings. Bringing about core behavioral changes are - diabolically tiring and requires emphatic patience.

Superhero made my day when he said, "Patience... As much as you want people to be patient with you, you need to be patient with yourself too. I know the phase you are in, and hence, I wanted you here, as a halfway house, until you work things out."

All I hope to be in the future, is to be able to give someone else a chance with a halfway house - with all the gratitude I know I will have after I have made it through this storm. It's going to get worse, I think, and the days will be long, but the difference between now and one year ago is I know I am no longer alone.

This is written for me to read again when the next storm hits.
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You WILL find your own place - May 2015

Don't rush - lesson #35674

I usually can never end a week without some kind of funny exchange with Superhero. 

Superhero - "When Department Hottie was stuck in Everest after the Nepal earthquake, half the guys in the department wanted to rush out there to save her..."

Sidekick - "I wonder if I ever got stuck somewhere...."

Superhero - "like a typhoon in Manila....?"

Sidekick - "yeah.. Like a typhoon.. How many do you think will come and save me?"

Superhero - "none. Cos I'll be telling everyone, Sidekick is a tough cookie la! She can save herself, no need to worry! She'll send us an email when she gets a broadband connection...!"

Idiot. As I said, re-wiring of my portrayal needed. 

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April 2014 - I'd just landed in Singapore. Just unpacked my things, explored the neighbourhood. I remember being slightly out of breath as I climbed killiney road up to my place from NTUC, lugging bags from my first ever grocery run in Singapore. 

It was sunny, I was sweating, but my mind was free. I squinted at the sun and told myself, "This is new. For once, my mind is full of nothing except how warm the sun is on my skin, and how I'm ever going to manage cooking on such a small stove." 

A year later, would I say I'm set back? Not progressed? Not entirely true. 

But it took so much time for me to let my mind rest. Countless weekend wanderings in bookstores, going to see musicals, learning why Singapore office workers love to go have coffee in the middle of the day at Raffles Place... Basically prodding to see what I liked about life. 

That's why I'm utterly puzzled at how or why some things can be rushed, why some people rush. I had always been happy taking my time, poking around. Why did I let the rush get to me? It's so stressful already at work, I should from now on make it an eleventh commandment to write off rushing so many things. 

The job is calling - my pre-negotiated arrangement for my role is being raised. I know what I feel about it, but I've since learned that one's head and heart must be aligned, otherwise it would cause significant disruption in life. 

What's right or what's easy

I always believed I brought a lot to the table in a relationship. And in times like this, when the pain threatens to blind you from all directions - I've lost count and given up trying to label whichever direction anymore - I can't help but ask through all the anguish ,"all I asked for was time, just a little bit more patience as I grapple with what is an entire change in my life, and I could have given the world once you let me feel safe"

That was all I ever asked and hoped for. I never ask for money, never demand much time, all I want is just an acceptance of my flaws, an acknowledgment that I am trying, and just a silent understanding that my intentions are nothing but true but I need time to work it out. No, I was not seen that way. I was held to a timeline not of my doing, there was no room for me anywhere, not being told until an explosion (of sorts) happens.

Similar to another situation 8 years ago, all I asked for was "where do you think we are going?" No demands, light questioning, all while I was maintaining and building all other parts of my life. 

I could have fought and I could have given the world. 

But instead, I feel so extinguished, robbed, betrayed. 

I honestly don't ask for much. Why, when I have so much to give? 

I know this wave will pass. I steel myself with all the memories of the past hurts, past brushes with the bottom, knowing I survived it and I just wait for the strength to come back again. 

Please, give me strength. To accept and not be bitter. 

I will live with purpose, and I know I will still adhere to what's right. Even if what's right hurts. When you lose direction, the only thing that will guide you towards a good, fulfilling life, is knowing you did something morally right. And not taking the easy way out. Even though easy looks so tempting, easy could lead me further off the path. 

I would not be able to live with myself.
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Plunging into the next few weeks with almost-weekly travelling again.

Scaling back in this role has afforded some mental space, but apparently the mule-like travelling continues..... 

How things have changed

I wonder how often people have started a paragraph by saying "How things have changed". Well, here's to the twenty trillionth time, I suppose.

In a space of 3 months, which used to be measured as 1 quarterly reporting season, 12 company results notes in Sushi Bank, probably 3 working trips, 20 client meetings, 2 credit papers and 5 pitches here in old department of current bank, or probably 1 holiday, 3 special dinner outings,  but for the purposes of Feb - May 15, is now, for all intents and purposes - immeasurable.

Nobody likes to listen to gory details and besides, I've found humor to be as good a defense mechanism as any in times of pitch dark confusion and loss, so here goes the anecdotes of the past period.

Superhero - "No, I am not comforting you because I care about you. I only care about stopping you from stepping out the window and toppling down through the roof of [name of next door mamak stall], because my life depends on roti canai at 6pm."
Sidekick - *glare*

Sidekick - "I need to get my mojo back."
Superhero - *silence*
Sidekick - "Anyway, is mojo an acronym?"
Superhero - *silence*
Sidekick - "But seriously, what does it stand for?"
Superhero - "If you're asking and talking so much about it, I think its likely you won't be getting it back for awhile."
*while walking into nearby hip and popular coffee joint*
Sidekick - "I bet I still have enough mojo to ask the shop to let me borrow and bring this book home" *waves thick story book displayed for patrons' enjoyment*
*flags down a staff member*
*produces best smile in weeks*
Sidekick - "May I please borrow this book, I promise I'll bring it back tomorrow, or someday..."
Staff member - "Sure sure, no problem no problem"
*Sidekick prances out of the shop behind Superhero who is stalking away*
Sidekick - "At least I got the book, so minimally, I still got it.."
Superhero - "The staff looked like he just got off a boat from Bangla/Pakistan, and you're the fairest thing he's seen. Standards, yeah."

[no racial slur intended whatsoever]
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Finally, I think, someone who gets me. Life has been pretty much upside down since last year and god knows it's only gotten much more complicated and painful but finally, at least one good thing comes out of it.

Mom - "You know, after talking to you, like really talking to you, I realize you're actually quite a simple person."
Me - "Hallelujah. Nobody, nobody believed me when I said it!"
Mom - "Because you cover yourself up with so many layers of verbose descriptions, glitzy trips, so many handbags, you spend so much on our dinners and outings!"
Me - "Yeah, anyway, I should count my blessings that at least YOU know that what I cared about in my 20s, I don't care about it anymore. Nobody seems to believe in change around here...."

I may need to re-think the ways I have been presenting myself to the outside world. Perhaps that's attracting the wrong kind of karma. I don't know. Even the supposedly closest person to me in this world recently looked at me in disbelief when I told him tiredly, "Seriously, I don't care where we eat. I already told you since last year, I.don't.care.about.much.anymore.Why.don't.you.believe.me.at.all"

Among the lessons learnt are:-
1) I am more willing to spend on loved ones than myself
2) You can run away physically, but no matter where you go, you cannot run from your problems. So no point spending so much money. Yup, 2 Japan trips, 1 USA trip, 1 Europe trip later. Gee thanks.
3) I am slowly rebalancing my life from work - to focus inwards and on my personal life but the latter's pretty ironic considering I am currently fumbling around in it like a blind man in a sandstorm with nothing but a crazy parrot for company. (more about the said crazy parrot if I feel like it later)

I don't know much more about what will happen but all I know is I dearly need a good book - maybe the one I filched from the aforementioned coffee place. Which I may or may not bring back.

Just kidding. I will bring it back.

Maybe next year.

Still not roadkill yet

I never wrote in 2014. Looking back, I can see how lost I was. And yet through it all, I still wanted to be that perfectionist. I fled the country, I lashed out because I didn't know how to get my message through - the message that I was unhappy, lonely.

Because it never is part of my personality to ask for help. But in hindsight, my fault is 1) I ran. 2) I felt all of that but it never came out the right way.

Even so, I am proud I hung on doggedly. Even if it was driven by a fear of breaking the beautiful vision I'd built - a wildly successful if not stressful job, handsome and rich husband, splendidly designed large house.

House. Not a home. Which, as the realisations built that we were not living our lives right, I started to say what was wrong. I started to push the boundaries, asked the hard questions. The painful questions. He refused to listen, I don't blame him, especially not now.

I am proud I hung on until there is nothing left any more. I am shocked how I managed to live through those days and nights in Singapore on my own and yet still manage to carve some nice results for myself - the year certainly was not wasted.

Most of the time, I return to him because I care. I hope he's doing fine etc. But now I realise doing that hurt us both - I kept emptying my well to drive us, he took it because he thought it was limitless - and in doing so, he probably didn't realize I was still a girl who needed someone to protect her. He thought I was ok, I wanted to be alone.... He doesn't know better, coming from a support system that I think left him so protected and ill-equipped to deal with me.

When me wanting to be alone couldn't be farther from the truth. Then I got better at being alone, I continued building the independence, because when you come from a broken home, you always look over your back waiting and preparing for the next time you will be left alone. And that took us farther and farther apart, he said he can't imagine a life with me.... Among other hurtful things.

I accept it now. It's nobody's fault.

The difference between the pain now and all the pain I've felt before - is weirdly, I think I have greater bandwidth now. In the past, I always thought it was the end of the world. But perhaps this time, we had all the time in the world to see it coming. Had more than a year to feel a dream die.

I told him many times, home is where the heart is. Can't you see all I want is for us to be better? We were such a great team. Where did all that go after I brought up Singapore? You couldn't see me anymore, you thought I was selfish. If I was, I would be gone a long time ago.

Someone told me I should cry whenever I want, however long I want. I am still doing it like beer on tap, while I go about my life, but again the funny thing is despite knowing with such painful clarity that I am like this little wounded animal lying by the side of the road with cars passing me by, I know soon I will have the strength to get up, drag myself to a vet and soon be slightly better again.

Meantime, I'll just lie here, feel the stinging rainwater a little, let the dust rough me up a bit, until I can move again.