my best days...

Blowing out the candles on another birthday cake,
Old enough to look back and laugh at my mistakes,
Young enough to look at the future and like what I see,
My best days are ahead of me.

Nobody could have sung it better than David Gokey.

The days I've been waiting for are here. The beginning of the end of the year.

It all started in Tokyo. Ahhh, Tokyo. From stealing the cute Mandarin Oriental packaged tiny sugar cubes wherever I went (and that included while having tea with the CEO), to stepping front and backing off from the toilet seat in Nobu Tokyo just to see the sensor-automated toilet lid flip up and down, to downing sake in an irreverent atmosphere at a Tokyo National museum gallery that was specially booked by our company for a client event (at night too, no less!), to partying like it was 2012 with newly-made friends at two Roppongi Hills clubs til 5am, it almost made the year worth it.

The Japanese sure know how to party, and they're really good at lip-synching to the most popular American tunes today. Imagine swirling your whiskey glass in the underground basement of a totally non-descript building which resembles a warehouse, with tons of Japanese guys and girls smiling at you, while all of you are singing together to the song "Empire State of Mind". Nooo York..... concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh....

Price-freaking-less.


Sitting on a park bench watching the world go by, and a couple at L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon in Roppongi Hills.

So Tokyo, Hong Kong and Singapore are down. Tonight I fly to the land of Swiss cheese and ski resorts.

See you in Zurich.

sex with someone else at 27

Friend: I did something unimaginable yesterday. *groans*

Me: What did you do? *while huffing and panting in the heat to the nearest and cheapest lunch place around the office*

Friend: You know that girl I told you about right...

Me: Yeah... *distracted - thinking about eating chicken rice with chicken breast.. or should I go for the curry mee?*

Friend: I don't know how it happened, but I slept with her.

Me: WHAAAATTTT?!?!?!? *all thoughts of chicken rice fly out of the mind*

We're not talking about some long-time savvy Casanova who breaks girl's hearts. We're talking about a very dear boy, somebody who couldn't cheat, prided himself on NOT cheating, someone whom I thought of over the years as the world's most loyal man.

Well at least during the period when we used to date each other.

You must be wondering what sort of nut still chats with her ex on stuff like sleeping with other people, but we're still really close friends. Nothing else.

Me: Oh god. where was it?

Friend: In my new house.

Me: Isn't your new house not ready yet, still renovating?

Friend: Yeah. Still got on-going works.

Me: You... you... *speechless* in a unit which is being renovated?!? You mean no bed!!?!?

Friend: *groans again* yessssssss..... don't ask.

Me: No I don't want to know. *yes i really DON'T want to know*

Friend: So I don't know if I should tell my girlfriend.

Me: Well, very simple - if you still love her, stop seeing the other girl and work hard to MAKE IT WORK. Telling her might ease your guilt, but may cause her worse pain. On the other hand, if you don't love her enough, then you might have to consider breaking her heart sooner rather than later.

Friend: I'm not this kind of person! I don't sleep with anyone!

Me: *raises eyebrows* *took him this long to realize people are human after all, and have temptations*

Friend: Oh noooooo.... *almost wails*

Me: Just don't do anything these few days. I can't talk much, heading to the airport. Meet up next week to discuss, okay? Meantime don't do anything stupid, like sleep with her again.

Friend: Haihhhh.....

Me: By the way, was it good?

Friend: Yes.. she was good.

Me: OH-KAY. I don't want to know. *wish I didn't ask*
--------------------------
In Singapore for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. Travelling alone is lonely. Eating dinner alone is lonely. 11pm and I haven't done any prep for my presentations tomorrow, but I'm bone dead tired.

Would give anything to be boarding that flight to nowhere right now.

travel ain't as cracked up

Sitting here at Kota Kinabalu International Airport grabbing the free airport wi-fi, waiting for the person holding my boarding pass to arrive so I can get back to the gates for the flight back to KL.

Been in KK for - 5 hours. And all I've seen is the airport. This is getting to be a trend. At least last week's jaunt to SQ's analyst briefing involved a 5 minute cab ride out of the airport.

So unless its an overnight trip, travelling for work on a corporate card ain't as cracked up as I used to think it would be. 11 months and I'm jaded. That's just great.

Anyway, back to why I'm in KK. Was invited for the maiden flight of MAS B737-800 to KK and naturally I was excited, given I like being the first to try anything out. Had a great time fiddling with the touchscreen in-flight panels throughout the 2 and a half hour flight. It wasn't til I landed in KK that I realized that the new 737 was going on to Haneda and I would be boarding one of MAS' old planes back for the return trip.

And you know how it is with their old planes, no inflight anything. Sitting for 2 plus hours staring at the old plane seat in front of me?

And instead of going on the organized city tour (which I heard went to Karambunai), I had to stay back in the business lounge reviewing reports and replying emails, otherwise it would mean a late night in the office, something which I'd forgo 10 Karambunai trips for.

PS - The book store at the airport is a rip-off! RM37.50 for Glamour? East Malaysians must be freaking loaded.

On another note the new Firefly ad is quite endearing - the one of the Orang Asli dude grinning saying "Kamek nait belon Firefly".

So cute.

theres a fine line..

... between a wild time, and a flat line.

We had the major of all major bust-ups yesterday. I'd been feeling really exhausted and stressed and powerless about all the work that's piling up, the family issues, etc. It got to the point where being his girlfriend topped off the whole trapeze of perfection that I was trying to balance on.

I wasn't being bitter, nor do I think it a *shudder* duty, but there really seems to be a whole lot going on in my life right now. So cue Saturday lunch when we were supposedly having a stress-free meal after I'd gotten a piece written and out of the way, when I brought up the subject of that piece of work again inadvertently, feeling quite nervous about Monday, because I have to make a presentation on it and I really felt like I hadn't covered all my bases.

He gave a terribly exasperated sigh and said something along the lines of forget it or will you drop it or something. I just lost it.

Felt like if he, of all people, didn't realize how hard I had to work to get by, then really, what was the point of it all?

I used to think I'd be fine with a relationship where the couple could discuss work or strategize over lunch or in between hugs and go out and conquer the freaking world together. Not to be bigheaded, but could you imagine two "me's" in a couple?

We'd be running billion-dollar companies, backing each other in the boardroom, travelling the world for meetings but running off in the middle of it to ride a camel in Egypt or hunt for antiques in Istanbul.

I still wouldn't mind that - but he does mind, I guess.
------------------------
Somebody I know started a blog - not to rant about their toenails or the color of the moss on their walls (though it seems like I am guilty as charged here too).. but to write about her breastfeeding and what not experience from her giving birth to bringing up the child.

Harh????

I wish I had that much free time to natter on about how eating cabbage is not good for Junior cos it gives him tummy tum tum problems. It is amazing the different paths we took - she probably will never understand why I kill myself over this job, nor will I understand her obsession with NOT eating cabbage. The kid won't die, come on. Right?

I don't know.

I can tell you which option looks better in the UEM-Sunrise deal, though. But I think it wouldn't matter when the kid screams at 3am from too much cabbage.

the story of how I got bought

I think I am destined to be in this job forever. Typing this post on my brand new spankingly silver and shiny Vaio netbook which represents a very successful attempt to buy me over.

It all started when I marched into the boss's room with my exhaustion for all the world to see and frankly detailed out why I am pretty sure I will not be able to make it past these 3 weeks, with all the work that's piling up before Tokyo.

He calmed me down and sent me out of the room, but that very night he bought the netbook and asked if I wanted it - like hello? I'm using a 5 year old Dell, of course I want it! Anyway that very night, I worked til midnight. Ha ha.

So that's the story of how I got bought. Damn evil boss I have.

Plus the next morning I got assigned a temp assistant.

Lest I got accused of favouritism, the other two team members got a GPS and a Mont Blanc pen. Yeah, they're guys.

If this goes on, I'll end up 3 years down the line with a fancy Audi TT and all the best gadgets in the world, but with zero soul.

Lol.

normal, i love normal

I divide my life into pre-report launch and post-report launch. No points for guessing which is my favourite time, but this weekend has seen my life return to some semblance of normalcy, one which I hope to extend through for the next week or so.

Had brekkie at a nice French-inspired place called Levain near Noble House (gulp! my 1st time moving out of my foodie comfort zone in months!), watched a movie (lordy, that's been long due!), had drinks with old friends in Ecoba (oh my god, nightlife!) had a leisurely dinner with my mum in Akari (favourite Jap haunt near my house in Solaris Mont Kiara)... Well I had to drive to freaking Puchong to attend a pre-launch of a set of semi-d's by IJM Land for work but still quite nice poking around show units than groaning at home over an Excel model or a blank Word document.

11pm before Monday, and I refuse to check my work email. I might have to pay for it tomorrow, but at least there's the gym session to get all the issues and any arising frustrations out.

9 more weeks to the end of 2010, and there's been alot to show for this. So much so I think I can afford to slow down the gears a little - mayhaps I will be working only 4 weeks more in November to put all the plans in place for what appears to be a one-month long sojourn starting from the conference in Tokyo end of Nov.

Konichiwa all types of sake and Tsukiji market - great start to the end of the year!
Then its a whirlwind marketing trip to HKG and SIN where I can try to locate the nice porridge shop down Hong Kong's Stanley Street and head back for a nice dinner at Nobu, soak in my favourite bathtub (yes i have a favourite bathtub) at my love you long time Ritz Carlton in Singapore, and then its off to hunting down a Goyard store in Paris, strolling along the Bahnhofstrasse in Zurich, queuing up for the Boxing Day sale outside Harrods and watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's sequel to the Phantom of the Opera called "Love Never Dies" in London's Adelphi theatre.

My winter coats and scarves are all raring to go, and so is my exhausted little butt.
----------
On a quieter note, I thought of somebody this weekend, and I really really miss this person. I wish we could have had more time together, but I guess it is what it is.

TKY-HKG-SIN-ZRH-LHR-CDG

If I ever want to quit my current job and join a property development company, it would be SP Setia.

Visionary conception and masterful execution. They win hands down and in my opinion I don't see anything wrong with them trading at a premium to the rest of the players in the property sector.

Two grade-10 strength Ristretto Nespressos, 5 consecutive days of working (weekends included), plus an all-nighter where I wandered bleary eyed out of the office at 3am, thought the better of going home for only 3 hours sleep, and just walked over to the hotel next door and charged a night to the corporate card.

The pain is almost done, and I've got only about another million client calls to wade through, and then its the weekend.

The boss really knows how to pull the puppet strings. After I pulled yet another all-nighter, (a different one this time where I stayed out drinking whisky on the rocks with a bunch of clients til midnight and then was up presenting the next morning on the conference call with a hangover the size of the African continent) he came up to me and told me they decided to send me to Tokyo for a conference.

Tokyo. Conference. It's only the last word I'm happy about. It means I get to eat hotel food 5 times a day and spend the rest of the time lurking around the buffet table waiting for the next meal.

Well, I probably have to do an hour worth of moderating discussions, but hey. Beats ole Malaysia any time.

So now I am officially away the entire month of December. Will be going to all the major financial cities of the world - Tokyo, Hong Kong, Singapore, Zurich, London and Paris.

If you're thinking "wah so lucky", don't.

I killed myself these 11 months for this, and half the time I still think it's not worth it.

Alamak

Alamak mati.

The first colleague from this bank just added me on Facebook. He's based in Hong Kong, and considered a superior, somebody I deal with when I want to publish reports.

I thought I was quite meticulous in enabling privacy filters.

Then I found out i forgot to limit privacy on photos that I'm tagged in.

Right on the last of 24 pages are the visuals of CPO Boy and me caught doing the shiny pinky glittery photo sticker booth pictures.

Cibai.

Who's going to listen to me when I talk about serious things now?!

we'll always have paris

It was my first social event after a long time. A kid's one year old birthday party. Wedding dinners usually don't count as social events because you don't even need to talk to anyone while seated at the table if you don't feel like it.

But kid's birthdays? Whole new different ballgame. It was one of the first ive been to in 10 years (thank god, im not THAT old yet to keep receiving kid's birthday invites from my peers) and it made me realize -

1) Having kids and a family is what normal people do, its a way of life
2) It's normal to coo and want to hug babies
3) Knowing what to say about a person's kid says a lot about your political savvy. Because even if the kid is wrapped up in a white dress that looks like icing on a cake gone wrong, you have to continue flashing your brilliant smile and say "absolutely lovely dress"!!!!

Did it make me want kids?

No.

It made me realize I have so many more things to do, achieve, see, smell, touch. It made me happy too, knowing that I have all these ahead of me in the future - a family, kids..

But whom with and how I'm going to get there is still out there in the wide unknown.

It doesn't stop the questions "So when's your turn?" from coming though - from his friend's wife yesterday at a wedding, from my family...

I always joke that he says he wants to wait to buy a house first and because all the houses we like are worth RM1-3 million dollars, I'll have to wait til I'm 40.

But in actual fact, I'm just happy we have Paris in front of us.

No matter what happens, we'll have Paris.
-------------------
And New York?

I'll always have New York in my heart. :)

running towards bajet 2011

All the young members of the team have been working late every night. At 11pm tonight, I was the earliest to leave.

In the run-up to Budget 2011 to be announced tomorrow, everyone's busy putting all their new launches / follow up reports in place. I'm supposed to launch a new report too, but I'm not panicking as much as CPO Boy (who can't decide on a CPO price), or Coklat Boy, who's company got suspended pending a corporate exercise which the whole world knows is a privatization, and which if it goes through, will see his current coverage universe reduced by 50%. (He has only 2 stocks at the moment)

The boss today joked that he could start writing his resignation letter as there is nothing left for him to cover.

So it is little wonder that Coklat Boy is heaving and panting to get one new company launched in a week.
---------------------
In a bid to build my fitness levels and get out of this fat rut I'm in, I am now a Platinum member of Fitness First, and have just thrown down over a thousand dollars for a personal trainer for 3 times a week for the next month. Coupled with the five hundred dollars worth of gym apparel, I've set myself back by so much just to lose 6kg, which is the difference between my current weight and my ideal weight.

Apparently one feels more energetic after a round of exercise at the gym, which I have not felt yet of course. Because I have been too busy squealing in pain everytime I move a joint in this creaking body. After 3 sessions, and I still feel like I got run over by a truck every time.

Or maybe its to do with the fact that my trainer used to train recruits in the Singapore police force for 9 years.

My mother is pleased - she thinks my sister's return for a holiday has influenced me to take up a much healthier lifestyle. But to me, nothing inspires motivation more than a belly that's getting flabbier by the minute. I am practically bulging out of my priciest cufflink shirts, and 3/4 of my dresses don't sit well on this lumpy frame.
-----------------
Weddings. Again. My college roommate just got married. My primary school friend just got married. What's with these people? Is it that easy to find true love? Where do you find the time?

24 hours in the life of...

India was... painful.

I -

1) Had the misfortune to sit next to a construction worker who slept with his bare feet stepping on my handbag under the seat and elbowed my ribs while he slept.

2) Got left alone in the cab in the middle of a dark construction area while the driver disappeared without explanation behind a few shadowy trailers, with beggars crowding the taxi tapping the windows asking for money. At midnight.

3) Freaked out when the taxi driver stopped to ask for directions four times ("How can you NOT know the Four Seasons?! It's the FOUR SEASONS!!!") and seemingly drove past it without noticing while I was screaming "It's here! You passed it on your left! Make a u turn!!"

4) Thought I could heave a sigh of relief when I stepped into Mumbai's Chhatrapati Shivaji airport for my return flight but instead sat in the restroom for the next 2 hours suffering from the unfortunate effects of food poisoning.

And all because I drank bottled water not from Perrier or Evian but from a brand named 'A-nu', or 'A-No'. Whatever. At least I managed to have foie gras chawanmushi at the hotel restaurant before the driver took me to the airport.
----------------------
Back in civilization for awhile. Travelling takes a toll - I realize I've been travelling almost every month since I started this job. Maybe no travelling in October, but November and December are full of trips.

Mouse said I have a very nice job when we met for dinner yesterday to debate whether she should quit her job to take up a new one at an investment bank.

Nice. Hmm. Bit hard to think of it that way when your day is pressure-filled and tracks the ups and downs of the freaking stockmarket.

730am morning meeting - Why is this company this way? Why, why, why? And guess who has to answer calmly. :)
10am - Call with client who is worried about the recent share price
1130am - Get in the car for a 45-minute drive to Klang to visit a company
2pm - Get on a conference call with internal staff, while still in the company's premises
3pm - Back to office, start writing a report
5pm - Another call with another client
6pm - Client call number 3
7pm - Have McDonald's at desk with co-worker who sits and stares silently at the Bloomberg screen with feet propped up next to the machine; if he could will the CPO price to tank by watching it, he probably would have sat there the entire night
8-10:30pm - Finalize report, submit to editing team in India and USA
1am - Monitor editing progress on our workflow program from home
4am - Report approved
10am - I wake up and check the report and realize somebody made some editing mistakes. Send an email out trying to hold back the report from publishing.

That's my 24 hours they pay me for. I hope yours is better.

1-0 in favour of "rocks my socks"

I have an unbelievable amount of work to get done, and to get my intern to get done, before he leaves to further his studies.

And then I get sent to India for a work trip.

I did briefly entertain thoughts of being scammed of my cash, relieved of my luggage and left standing by some no name street in the middle of an unknown city, but one has to do what one has to do, right?

And if it means getting an edge over your competitors, 'kiasu' me would even travel by foot to Mongolia. My black Delsey business case is surely being used to within an inch of its life lately.. was opening the suitcase to pack for Mumbai when I realized I had to first unpack from Bangkok.

I am seriously at risk of turning into a bipolar freak, the way I go between "this job rocks my socks" and "this job cramps my style".

you are not alone

Hey friend.....

Are we the only two people awake so late tonight? Its 12:41am, I just Blackberry chatted you 4 hours ago on the way to a dinner meetup with another friend of mine.

I was so exhausted today but I was looking forward to wishing you a happy birthday. I was also looking forward to seeing Mouse, whom I've not seen for more than month. My body was screaming with fatigue but I absolutely had to stay awake for another few more hours just so I can talk awhile with a few people who have made an impact on my life.

And it's funny, because as I lie propped up in bed with my laptop above the covers past midnight, I can't sleep. Not even the spacious blue calming room can lull me into a solace needed for bedtime. It's a comforting thought, this room with blue and white walls - a blank canvas for me to start rewriting a life, changing a destiny, driving a new dream.

But tonight it's a painful reminder of what I have had to give up just to buy the walls surrounding me now. Myself. You would never have thought a job could be so hard, and it's definitely related to the fact that I swore by the time I could swear that whatever I attempted to do in this life would be executed flawlessly, with no imperfections as far as anyone could catch.

I would not allow myself to get caught in the web of ineffectuality, mediocrity and ultimate ruin that my Dad drove himself to, spending his fortune away on.

But that single-mindedness has crafted a complex individual - strong and ruthless, not above doing anything just to get a job done well, but also a helpless, desperate soul being taken farther and farther away from what she hopes to eventually find in this lifetime - peace with herself and her accomplishments. It is exactly this type of soul that this industry feeds on, souls in need of recognition of success after success.

So, friend, you're probably thinking that if your problem was work, you'd be so relieved and be falling asleep right now. And yeah, in your context, work is the puniest worry ever. If I were just an acquaintance, I'd go "congratulations" but you and I both know if I said it now, it would just sound as fake as Pamela Anderson's tits.

I know you're not okay. Nobody in your position could be okay. I won't say it all happens for a reason - it's a reason only you can establish for yourself. But I hope you will be okay, perhaps in the same vein of hope that I have for myself, that I will be okay too.

And sometimes, when it's all dark and quiet and you're falling with no one to catch you, even a voice that emerges saying "I hope you will be okay" may be enough to break your fall for awhile.

So I know you're not okay, but I'll wait for the day when I can finally say "Congratulations" to you deeply, sincerely, with the same feelings of best hopes and joy one feels for a friend returning home after a long journey.

And I? I'm waiting for the day where I can sit on my lounge chair in the evening, with the white whispy curtains billowing in the soft breeze, listening to Suerte, and realize I can remove the word "but...." after the sentence I say to myself quietly - "Well done."

2 steps forward, and another 2 more

I made good progress in my work today. Landed upon 2 key ideas and thoughts - which in my world, are worth Tiffanys and Tods. Also managed to find supporting evidence, which are veritable Chanels.

One of those fulfilling days.

Caveat - very few days.

Got a call from a headhunter, the resignation of a few people sparks off rounds of headhunter calling other existing people in the industry to fill those spots - just like the merry go round in my old place, but 3x the speed. Told him straight up that I'm most likely not the one he's looking for. Do you really want someone who's just building their game?

No doubt I think my game has the potential to rock, but in keeping with reality, I do understand I have a ways to go.

I have a month and a half to tune this machine before I potentially might be sent to the U.S of A for another trip.

you wanna be a thai.thai?

Back from a relaxed but action-packed holiday.

Just realized, I've flown to 3 countries in August alone, two for business and one for pleasure.

Oh the pleasure. It was amazing waking up late, having breakfast prepared for you, chauffeured by tuk tuk to shopping haven after shopping haven, culminating with a soft kneady aromatherapy massage... jesus, im drooling just thinking about it!

We were supposed to check in to On8 Bangkok, but there was such noisy construction going on that they offered us its newer sister hotel at no extra charge. Kingston Suites Bangkok is worth a mention - for RM200 for 3 nights without breakfast.

Went with two small bags, came back with two additional huge ones. And additional 20kg in baggage. It was just bliss to go "how much wholesale? i buy 3? cheaper ya?" then swipe 3 dresses in a shop. Repeat about every other 10 minutes.

Bought 10 bags from one shop in Chatuchak - that place is bitchin'. Once you enter from the gate, and wind up in the mini one car lane separating the market fringe from the centre market, look for Row number 8. Walk into it, and count to the second lane on your left. Turn left and walk down about 6-7 shops. The bag shop is on your left. THB 199 per bag for the whole friggin store.

There were 3 other customers there, but I have no idea what those other girls in the shop were doing, each of them were holding a bag up, slinging it over, trying it and looking it in the mirror from every angle from 0 to 360 degrees. While I just went *point point* "That one, you got new one? Okay, I want it in pink and lime green... Greeen... Not yellow...Green..."

Time and tide waits for no man, the more time spent deliberating painstakingly over the decision to purchase one measly bag could be easily spent quickly buying up 5 pairs of shoes in another shop.

Its RM20 la duh. Whereas the boyfriend's mother was in HK the same weekend buying a Chanel 2.55 large original. She took about the entire day to decide - now that is fully justified. Because all my buys in BKK combined couldn't even come up to a third of what her bag cost.

Damn, I just wanna quit my job and be a tai tai. The job's so freaking stressful I guess I've come to the point where I won't miss it.

its the bloomin' end of the month

I think I know what's the most frequently uttered word in my world now - its Bloomberg. New York's mayor must have his eyes twitch frequently throughout the day as millions upon millions of conversations speak his name.

One colleague sent out an email saying how despondent he was that he didn't seem to be adding value to his clients. His senior colleague had asked the client about him (who was assigned to cover the client) and the client had said...

Senior colleague: By the way, what do you think of D***?
Client: D***? Havent heard of it, whats the Bloomberg code?

Ouch.

Others frequently heard -

"WTF is wrong with the f***ing Bloomberg, its hanging, f***k f***k!!!"
"Get it from Bloomberg."
"My PT on Bloomberg is wrong!"
"Omg.. results out.. Bloomberg said so, look!!"
------------------
Wake me up when September ends. Or wait, wake me up after April 2011 ends.

Sitting in the car workshop lounge waiting for my car to get fixed - I think the fella finally gave in after months of putting off trips to the mechanic. Seeing my little Myvi being suspended in the air while the mechanics tinker with it.. and working via remote access.

Today's the last day of corporate reporting results for me; and then its off to Thailand The Land of Smiles for the long Merdeka weekend. Took me 5 minutes to pack, as I'm going there with a totally empty suitcase.

Am now a prepared Bangkok traveller after last year. Getting ready to take advantage of sellers desperate to be rid of wares after the major tourist pullout in 1H of this year. Or maybe not. We shall recky the area when we land.

ive forgotten

I am most likely going out of my mind - its getting to the point where I consciously have to tell my mind not to go there.

But where's there?

There is where I start thinking my life is getting quite meaningless, chasing after something my ego thinks it needs - a stellar jetsetting career at the expense of relationships and sanity. There is where I realize I have serious control issues, and where I actually believe that if I stop moving, everything around me will collapse.

It's gotten to the point where I avoid anything that could trigger those thoughts on a deeper level. Maybe if I just hold out til the bonus next year, then I can quit and work on growing my soul.

But I am reading Eat, Pray, Love now (for somebody who doesn't touch self-helppy books with a ten foot pole, I'm one to talk) and it scares the living bejesus out of me that I find so much to describe myself to the point the book is peppered with dog ears.

There has been those moments - sweatily climbing up the higgledy piggledy steps near Stanley street on Hong Kong Island looking for a famed dessert place, walking briskly from client office to client office on 3 inch stilettos in Hong Kong's massive covered snaking overhead bridges, standing over the window overlooking Singapore's Marina Bay with the evening glow casting a low light on the spires of the financial district.

Those small portions of time I take for myself, eagerly clinging on to them with a soul so dry and thirsty that I sometimes have even forgotten how to secure moments with my own hands. The more reports I write, stocks I chase, clients I pitch to, day in day out over long corporate lunches, in glitzy offices to swanky lounges, I slowly forget how to..... write.

I've forgotten how to describe moments - they just pass by too fast. The fading thought that I once decided I wanted this - this mad kaleidoscopic rush - is surely but slowly losing its lustre.

he who laughs last...

It's surprising how cheap things get in Melaka. Up here, I'm used to paying hundreds of dollars for something. I recently needed a transporter to cart my piano up to KL from my Melaka home. Some initial scouting found a company who could do it for RM500.

Then my mum comes and tells me she knows someone who knows someone who can transport the piano up for RM50. Now the RM500 positively sounds like daylight robbery.

The only catch was that - my piano had to be wrapped in airtight plastic because it was going to be sharing a lorry with .... food.

"As long as I don't see bits of raw chicken on my piano." I said darkly.

I mean, it's RM50. Just shut up and take it, lah.
--------------------------
"Actually there's this tour I thought of joining. They take you around the country and show you the important areas...." he continued on.

"Uh huh.." I was half listening.

"Yeah but it starts at 9am.. and then we're going by foot, but in some areas we get to go by buggy. Might be tiring..."

"Uh huh.. where's this thing.." I asked.

"Well, the meetup point is blablabla..."

"What? Where's that?"

"This meeting point in the game.." he explained.

"You're... going for a tour... in a game... on your computer?!" My thoughts on coming up with an powerful angle for my next report just went out the window. I just didn't know what else to say. Then I started laughing like tomorrow would never come.

"Why can't you just read the game manual like everyone else? Why must you join a .. a ... virtual tour?! And how can you be tired? You're not even walking in real life! Please don't tell me you had to pay for this!!" I kept chortling.

"I'm not telling you what I do in my spare time ever again."

"I agree!!! Hahahahahaha!!"

hiding from my mind

I.. I... I....

am hiding. From my thoughts.

Those thoughts of late have centred on where I'm headed to in life, and just how much is enough. Matters are complicated further when I hear every other day about people much younger than me getting married.

Met a uni junior of mine for lunch, and she's engaged. I go on Facebook, and my sister's high school classmate is getting married next year too.

Have they found something I haven't? Or conversely, is my life so full now that I don't need forever ever after?

The full impact of turning 26 is probably only just settling in. I have so much more I want to do and see, that time, in all its glory, is running out.

This new job has opened up a world of possibilities. But in return, I pay a very high price. Whether it is all worth it, it depends what time of day I ask myself that question.

Coming off a high where my report caught the stock price on its incredible upward shot, I'll probably say the euphoria is worth it. On evenings when I come back brain-drained, maybe it's not so worth it after all.

All this while, he's been quietly supporting me and listening to my half-mad rants about quitting just about every other day. And I'm grateful.

But I'm so tired of hearing "pls just take it easy and go on" and all I want to do is rest my head down and let someone else take the spotlight. I want to be behind somebody, being the backstage supporter for once.

Because life isn't about the mad highs and being the star attraction. I've chased the highs and rode the lows, dreamt of exciting escapades and running away to set up a beach bar in an exotic country. Much like how people move overseas to a foreign environment to be with the one they love, its the same where you stay where you are because you've found something that's worth more?

I am still asking myself that question. Will I regret it one day?

I gave up the opportunity almost twice, and day by day it slips away.

I feel so old tonight.

smash bang pow

I must first start by saying that the IKEA Detolf glass display cabinet is most likely not made of tempered glass - but more of tampered glass. Bought one over the weekend to display my porcelain doll collection and when we were in the midst of fixing it ie he was holding it up in the air above my head while i was sitting on the floor hanging on to the base to steady the structure, the glass just shattered.

Shattered into a million pieces which went flying across the room and mostly, well mostly rained on my head. I got cuts on my hands and legs as a result while he got a pretty nasty gash on his hand.

Thank god for his company health policy, otherwise I would have friggin sued IKEA.

They cursorily apologized and said they would refund me. By that time I had wasted 6 hours of my precious weekend on them and could stand no more so I just took whatever they offered - which is to come by my house on Monday to pick up the remains of the would-be cabinet.

As I said to them "You're lucky consumers here aren't that savvy or they just don't care. I'm surprised you haven't got sued yet on this thing."

I know, I know, I should have held firm. But for what? To deal with idiots? My weekend is just too valuable to give up nowadays. Time is the rarity I so crave.
---------------------
Heading to Hong Kong in two weeks for a work trip and taking my mother along.

It's just cheapskate me taking advantage of a 1000 dollar hotel room to spring a trip for my mother, one which I couldn't have afforded otherwise. And while I'm working, I plan to book her on those one day tours and send her around some temples or something.

I think she digs temples. She liked the Bali ones, so the Hong Kong ones shouldn't be too different.
----------------------
I cut bangs.

First time in I think, a decade.

Yes, a decade.

A decade ago I was 16 and crushing really bad.

And right after I got bangs yesterday, I realized .... that I can't do bangs.

*bang* *pow*

if the chipboard can't be cut, why buy it?

If the chipboard can't be cut into any shape I like, why pay RM3k extra to construct a cookie cutter piece of furniture then?

Thats the thought thats been on my mind these past few days. Working with the guys at the storage solutions company to build storage space for this weirdly angled wall. Turns out the solution they propose creates a lot of dead space, and no amount of strategizing on my end can solve matters, just because they can't cut a shelf that's in the shape of triangle on one end to fit the odd angles.

If you can't do a job well, why do it?

I hate doing haphazard work.

But I'm so burnt out, it takes twice the amount of time to do what I'd normally accomplish in one sitting. It's not that the job is hard, or the details too boring. It's just plain and simple - I'm burnt. Toast. Crisp.

Then I think about the bills I've racked up for the house, and I bend my head down to the grind resignedly.

Working out the fastest way to repay everything - go without my favourite Japanese dinners at Rakuzen / Kampachi and basically just stop buying anything except hawker food and paying for parking, for 6 months.

That way, it'll clear off and I'll be able to splurge in London's Boxing Day sales.

The hardest thing in the world to do is to hold back on your comfort food when you've got nothing else to look forward to. I can't very well eat my house, can I?

krabi is the dirtiest place on earth

Had no idea Krabi wasn't an island until we touched down.

Me - "Where's the sea?" *peers out of airplane while we are circling the airport*
Mouse - "What sea?"
Me- "We're in Krabi. Aren't we supposed to be surrounded by sea on all sides?"
Mouse - "Krabi isn't an island."
Me - "WHAT?!??!"

Unfortunately my A for PMR geography didn't encompass learning about Thailand.
-----------------------
Our villa was nice, but it is so far in the boondocks. Good I guess if all you wanna do is bonk all day. We ended up hiring a driver to drive us around to a spa, Ao Nang etc.

Naturally being blessedly unfortunate souls we are, the one restaurant we went to hunt for had closed down. The one we ended up with was pretty good - Ban Lay Thai Kitchen. Name sounds pretty bland but this was compensated by the great food.
-----------------------
Our spa experience wasn't without an interesting moment. When the lady at the hotel reception told us we were getting a 30% discount as their actual spa facilities was under renovation, we should have hit the road. But we ended up in a makeshift spa - hotel room converted with two single massage beds, and one bathroom with a bath tub near the toilet seat.

We also booked different spa packages - I was laughing at Mouse because the one she chose had a "worm yogurt" treatment ("haha! worm yogurt! haha!") but the tables were turned when I realized my herbal bath had to be taken in the aforementioned bathtub near the toilet seat.

Me - *when being ushered into the bathroom for bathtime* "What's that?!" *points at bathtub*

Therapist - "You.. bath... this bath.."

Me - "But its shit colored water! in a bath next to the toilet bowl!"

Mouse - "Ha ha ha ha"

Me - *turns and asks therapist and points to Mouse* "How about her?! I .. bath .. this one .. how about.. she ??"

Therapist - "She... warm yogurt.."

Me - "Uwarghhhh!!!!!"

I should have known. Anything labelled herbal has gotta be unpleasantly colored.


See my pain. Sat in that for a good 20 minutes. Tried to keep myself distracted from eyeing the grout by collecting lime slices with my toes and sticking them on my fingers.

Ok Krabi wasn't unpleasant, only because the company made the trip worthwhile. I could have gone anywhere with Mouse and we'd have fun.
------------------
Came home and got diagnosed with food poisoning. Wtf.

So I spent my 26th birthday being ill, working 13 hours, sleeping 8 hours and the remainder 3 hours reading a mag and sitting at home. Your twenties is so overrated, I tell you.

I was 17 once I remember dying to become 25 or 26. Now I'm here and I realize you don't make it in your twenties. Some of us don't even make it in 50 years, depending on what your definition of "made it" is.
--------------------
Berjaya Retail listing. 22x PE, versus consumer average of mid teens. worldwide. 75% of business is 7-11 (only Msia exposure), 25% Singer. same store sales growth not disclosed - but most likely below 7% (based on average sales per store growth, which technically ain't the same thing as same store sales growth)

Singer??!

I actually thought they sell only sewing machines.

ex means past, yeah

Got a call from my ex yesterday at 2 freaking am. He was shouting something , I couldn't hear what but he sounded angry with me. I was about to pull myself out of exhausted sleep mode to listen to him but then I realized, hey he's my ex!

And then basically told him to go to sleep and I'll call him back in the morning.

Haha.

Krabi in a few hours and everything is lying everywhere except where it should be - in the bag. I figure I can get it together after I arrive, lah. Chill la.

Stayed up til 2am to finish writing to get on the call to talk this morning - but then the call ended absurdly early and hence i missed it. Woke up at 7am for nothing.

nothing to say

Its been a walk down memory lane.

I can't forget the fridge magnets you bought me - from Pebble Beach in California, Asakusa in Japan and Hanoi in Vietnam. Glad you liked me enough to buy me fridge magnets, though my defense mechanism couldnt bear to let you get close then.

But I'm happy now too. Different kind of happy, but happy.

Kicking off my birthday celebrations with Mouse in Krabi this weekend where we have booked a villa right by the sea with a private pool. It's in the middle of nowhere, which is good. We can finally sit around drinking tea and doing nothing.

26 feels old. My friend who's 26 has 1 year old twin daughters. But those who are 30 tell me in no uncertain terms - "you stupid shit, stop complaining. you hv 4 more years to reach 20k in earnings per month, the target you need to drive your Audi TT and come out of Ferragamo with a bag every time. thats a shitload of time considering where you are now, you bitch."

And to which, I have nothing to say... except... "oh anyway.. did i tell you about my dining chairs?"
-----------------------
At first glance, UK's budget 2010 looks fair. You cut some, you give some. CGT higher for higher income earners, personal tax rebate removing 880k of the lowest income earners from taxpaying, and a freeze in public sector pay hikes for two years. If in Malaysia, the last act would be tantamount to political suicide. But rightly so because years of income disparity have left the masses of public servants extremely underpaid.

Our Parliament is supposed to be debating the 10MP from last week to this week. No news especially on the subsidy rationalization, which we really need. No wonder nobody gives a shit about that 10MP - have you seen the hardcopy? It's thick enough to kill a dog with one swipe.

I personally haven't read it because its pointless knowing what we "should" do. Thats what we're famous for. Uttering statements with "should" in it, or "this department has been instructed by this minister to look into this" - haha. says nothing, eh? The West should learn from the Malaysians on how to say very little while saying alot. Case in point - Just look at the damn 10 Malaysia Plan.

the sweetest crush

"Happiness matters, it is what warms the bed at night - not your reams of reports with your name on it" - Quote of the day.

After 6 months of living out of balance, I'm starting to even out the scales.

Metrodad's latest post is the bomb. Made me re-live my childhood crushes all over again. Not that I had many, my standards back then were probably twice as high as they are now (><) because I had to have a boy who was taller than me (abit hard cos my legs grew faster than my peers), could read better than me (Peter and Jane at 1, beat that yo), could climb the jungle gym faster than me, and be handsome (with the cute side parting I liked in little boys when I was a little girl). No such luck, later on I found out and had to downgrade my standards, especially with regards to the side parting because most of the boys who had them were gay.

One lesson I learnt though - painfully - was that all my crushes never loved me back. They always went for the girl with the fairer skin and straighter hair. (I ran around in the sun all day and only straightened my hair when I was 17) So I learnt never to crush because that was tantamount to a fucking jinx on any potential blossoming of romance. And I learnt to be wary of fair-skinned girls with straight hair, you just can't beat the innocent doe-eyed princess look, no matter how articulate, intelligent, charming, witty and charismatic you are. That lesson unfortunately has continued to persist even up til I celebrated my 24th birthday. (I'll be 26 next week)

Because of said skintone and funky hair, the only crush I managed to land for some degree of permanency was when I was 16. The closest thingamie to a childhood love there was in my sadly limited youth, one that was spent achieving a perfect CV to ultimately land this current job. The details of our romance escape me now - because I would rather die than date and marry the person he is now - but the absolute saccharine sweetness from those feelings of yesteryears remain.

Imagine, he called me his Cinderella. My 16 year old heart was no match for that.

So do you still remember who you used to love? The one you spend the whole night up folding those stupid paper stars for? (Guilty as charged)

The one you hid in the downstairs closet for at 830pm just so you could be the first to rush to the phone because he promised to call then?

Damn do I remember. :)

would you like the boston thermidor? its from boston

The rich food saga that began from Singapore has not abated in its intensity and well, rich-ness.

Eest at Westin is officially off the favourite list ever since they took away those really special lunch boxes that are categorized according to different countries - Thailand, Vietnam, China, Malaysia and Japan. But a new restaurant comes online to replace it and that is Pacifica at the Mandarin Oriental. Boston lobster thermidor? Ole!

Had Westin for lunch and Mandarin for dinner.

Can you spell F-A-T?

I can write it with a paintbrush held between my toes, blindfolded and hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Tomorrow I'm signing up for gym membership at the KLCC Fitness First. Been recommended a trainer who's short and ugly but I don't care because I sure as hell do not want a cute trainer to see my flab, and because this dude is known for being hardworking and focused which is good because that translates to faster flab loss.

The Ex Story

I thank God that my ex.. is my ex.

And not my current.

Even after 3 years apart, he still manages to piss me off every other time we have a conversation. The rest of the times, I'm just swallowing and thinking "water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back".

He roils on and on about how he doesn't deserve to be treated that way, but heck, after screaming about how two relationships go the same way, don't you think it's about time one considers what the only constant was in those two relationships?

You, my friend. You are the constant. And that probably means, 7 out of 10 times, you asked for it. I'm not going to speculate, whether it was your

a) Tactless behaviour towards your girlfriend's friends
b) Absolute pig-headedness and paranoia
or
c) Insecurity probably stemming from the fact your parents have such a hot and cold, off and on, sometimes there sometimes not, giving love and taking it back kind of relationship with you.

- but something's gotta give.

And I quit being the person who tries tirelessly to point it out to you, even after 3 years, in every countless way imaginable - nice, hard, honest, candid, fluffy, whatever.

I don't mean to curse you or be morbid.

But.

You will die alone.
------------------------------
This of all things is the highlight of my day. Not even the fact that I'm being pushed to launch another report can stress me out so much. I have now learned the absolute painful truth of what the sentence "The shit never ends" means.

It really doesn't.

Every day I get tested. This 6 month uphill climb is torturous. I have moaned about quitting my job so often that CPO Boy will one day scream at me to just do it.

On another note, I have bought dining chairs. At long last. They remind me awfully of a Herman Miller chair, except they're not. Lol. One Herman I can afford. But not 3.

I can afford made in France placemats though. The lady from the Pavilion furniture shop on the highest floor was raving about the Made in France placemats that I ended up suckered into buying 6. For 200 dollars. Just because they matched the curtains.

I bought a rubbish can too. Just because they matched my kitchen walls. Haha.

This is never going to end. I love it. Waiting to see what treasure I get to pounce on next.

Gucci and Beef

The trip has been a few days of waste and excess amidst very very hard work. The Great Singapore Sale (in acronym-obssessed Singapore, is known as GSS) isn't as great as it used to be when I went there as a 15-year old. Or could it be that the discounts at Gucci aren't as great as the discounts at Giordano?


But thanks to the Gucci family I now have a spanking new name card holder.

The amount of money spent on corporate schmoozing during those few days were probably enough to feed the entire population of Somalia for a year. Watching my obviously more senior bankers and colleagues, it showed me how the big the world was.

But did I feel my world was small?

Not really. Maybe growing older helps you to see past the superficiality and that after all the fine food, the small talk, the whole aura and impression of power and importance you feel when you mix with people who manage billions of dollars, it's just a job and you've got other loves in your life.

Well unless of course those other loves of yours consistently forget to ensure their phones are placed within network range in their house when they know somebody they love is most likely going to call in the next few hours.

Beef.

What's the Occasion?

I am on leave. *cries with relief*

Though I wasn't crying with relief when I had to wake up at 730am to speak on the morning call, which was pointless in the end because nobody could hear me on the bad line.

Kapish.
---------------
Thumb twiddling is fun. I'm now waiting for the dining table to arrive, after which I can go out and look for some dining chairs. Trying to keep my hands off the Blackberry as work emails keep coming in. *don't look don't look*

*throws phone in remote corner of room*
---------------
Me: I'm on leave for two days.
Friend: Oh, what's the occasion?
Me: Exhaustion.
--------------
Looks like I really can't escape work. Business lunch at Iketeru Hilton. Then back to office to submit a report, and head for quick business drinks. Wasted one day of leave.

But Friday WILL be better. I swear I will potter.

Sit around drinking tea, get Mouse to skive off work and hang out with me. Drinking tea.
-----------
Things to do on Thursday
1) Cervical cancer jab clinic ran out of stock
2) Hair salon
3) Buy laptop bag
4) Submit report
5) Get dining chairs

Today I Give Thanks

Despite the fact I had to work til 10pm today, I still give thanks.

Because nobody shot me in my report launch!

*does jig*

In fact, nobody asked any awful questions.

*pauses mid-jig to wonder why*

Aiya, who cares why! As long as I didn't look too stupid!

*sambung jig*
------------------------
Given its a tough sector, naturally I was made to write a follow-up note within 3 hours of the launch, but to me, that's a small trade-off for not being a target of live rounds.

I promise I will not diss other people's babies. Thank you God.

If I promise not to brag that my babies will have perfect eyesight, will you help make tomorrow's calls have zero questions too?
-------------------------
But what's this?!?! Another friend my age just threw a hen's party?

*kiasu face*

Hahah. Somehow I love doing this. The more I meow, the more hilarious it gets. The more hilarious it gets, the more I get tickled.

Remembering Blue Eyes

5:11pm.

Blue eyes.

Either I must be suffering from what must be the worst PMS bout in history or I've mentally completely shut down.

-----------------------

What items, if any, should one keep for remembrance?

Remembrance, is a sad word. It implies never again, not any more, whatever it is that you want to remember has reached the end a long time ago. Bittersweet, I think. The sort of thought that hits you 20 years down the line as you take your evening walk, and you tilt your head to one side, wondering why on earth this surfaces after so long. The sort of thought that makes you wonder, again and again. If things didn't turn out the way they did, what, you wonder, could have happened?

Remembrance is a heavy word too. Too much remembrance leaves you stuck, unable to move on. You're stuck midway between your new life and your old one, unable to free yourself.

There are many things that I have not stopped missing or remembering.

But I don't need items. The memory of it all is still fresh and clear as if it was yesterday. I suspect I was an elephant in my past life.

You know the times I keep saying "Can't remember?". Hah. 80% of the time its because I don't want anyone to know I cared enough to remember. The other 20% is if I made a mistake and don't want to own up. :D

-------------------------------

On the eve of the second most important event in my work life, I feel absolutely empty. I don't know what I've done again to get this far. I have a house, compared to a year ago. But have I truly made an impact in the world? Much as I hope so, I don't think my smarmy little report is even going to make a dent in the passage of time.

Hence why I'm squirreling all the money I can (well except for the splurge on Europe). Because I don't want to get addicted to earning all this money. In the end, I'd have nothing to show for this life except a Ferrari. Miserable with a Ferrari. Might as well end my life right now.

Losing myself. Not funny. Nice house ain't gonna help cut it either.

Fuck. Dreading the preparation I have to do tonight when all I wanna do is listen to Cowboy Casanova and stick pins into people, or listen to Blue Eyes and churn up the longest sobfest in history.

Yeah, I think it's PMS.

---------------------------

Just checked Facebook and another primary school friend is married.

Shucks. It's just the competitive spirit in me absolutely can't take it, nothing else. LOL.

Launching a Kempen Tak Nak

I have reached the end of my physical and mental limit. When the FX team turned around and screwed everyone in the ass (me included) today, I just wanted to throw in the towel and quit. What made me really want to pick up the carving knife and go after them was the fact that this was supposed to be the first time in weeks that I get to wake up without an alarm.

You may think I'm a sucker for being busy, that I love complaining that I'm busy because it sounds so self important but really, all I want to do is go somewhere where nobody knows my name. I can be myself, I don't have to know or care how the markets did because I'd be living in my idea of a perfect world -

One where I have a small cosy home with all the things I've collected from my travels. Knick knacks from friends, little trinkets of memories. I let myself in quietly, go to the fridge, and take my favourite Kickapoo in a green bottle (not a damn can) and sit on my verandah. My view obviously is one of the sea, I love the sea. I'll sit there in the breeze, and as the sun turns velvet in the sky, soft music - Suerte sang by Jason and Ximena - will come filtering through the light wispy white curtains. And I'll take a deep breath. Knowing I've come so far, finally being able to let myself be proud of me. Knowing that I don't have to fight any more.

I work towards that day. In that world, I won't be afraid of sleeping in the dark alone, in fact, I love the time when I can switch off the lights and climb into my soft sheets and let myself drift.

I used to be able to that - only until I was 12. Not any more. Not for a long, long, time.

You've heard of women desperate to settle down. But ever heard of anyone getting desperate to find peace?
-------------------------------
Superhero took me to Ah Koong for the first time in 6 months since I joined the new firm. A part of me came out that hasn't been out to play for a long time. We talked, laughed, shared secrets, (well the sharing constituted of me digging and him going 'why you wanna know for?!') and I forgot how much I missed comfortable companionship and sharing of thoughts.

I'm so looking forward to Krabi with Y. Actually, at this point, I just welcome any free time to myself. Rather sit around a porch doing nothing than go to the mall nowadays. Getting old and anti-social.
---------------------------------
Had drinks with a couple of people yesterday, and Playboy really surprised me. Well, not surprised, but more .. proven right.

I never thought he'd be the kind of person to go -

Ex-Colleague: So heard you're the man about town huh?
Playboy: Well I used to be during those times...
Ex-Colleague: (in reference to a girl) heard that didn't end very well...
Playboy: Ahh.. there was another girl..
Me: Omg (mock horror) so bad.
Ex-Colleague: You're just so damn confident aren't you..?
Playboy: Well, of course! Have you seen the competition out there?

- this is the part where I just went .......... -

So girls, dangerous and self-confident is good, you will dig it. But erm, habeas corpus? Modus operandi? Ancora Imparo?

Wtf is that latin word for buyer beware?

Ah.

Caveat emptor.
-------------------------
I even forgot what I wanted to say when I titled this post "Launching a Kempen Tak Nak"

Tak nak buat kerja?
Tak nak tiada kehidupan?
Tak nak hidup tanpa cinta?

Sudah lupa.

one way ticket to oblivion

I've bought the ticket to Europe. Will be spending some time immersed in Zurich before I make my way towards Paris. I don't mind going alone, it's usually when I'm alone that I absorb the most sights and see the most things.


I can't wait to see the Louvre, clutch a hot chocolate paper cup to warm my hands (they always freeze no matter the thickness of the gloves I wear) and just stand there watching life.


A life so far removed from my own right now. Where everyday it seems like I'm just in it for the money and the superiority of seeing my name in print. The euphoria wears off faster each time, like drugs.
-------------------
It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what day it is today. I can't remember what I did last weekend, where I ate, who i did haha. the last one was for Superhero and all his blow job nonsense.

I see so many interesting things I'd like to blog about, but by the time I get home, I would have forgotten all about them.

All I can remember is-

1) I told my CEO that honestly one of the reasons why I joined the company was because I loved the fact they always did business lunches in Japanese restaurants and I think Japanese food is the bomb.

2) I went "huh, who's altman?" when one of my bosses suggested I "do Altman" to assess a company. Nampaknya my CFA level 2 has been banished to the deepest recesses of "how the heck can I remember land"

3) Looking at my dead fish face and lumbering exhausted sluggish walk, my boss asked me to sign a letter on Monday, the type that Apple now makes its employees sign where they pledge that they will not kill themselves. Ci ku.
------------
Next week - Singapore, the Great Singapore sale, Universal Studios and just brainless shopping. Yahoo. I earned this, bradder.

meanie beanie

I'm becoming this meanie person.

I don't like it.

Time to do a soul check.

If only that report would write itself.

All I want to do is stay at home and roll around my new apartment in my black jammies in my 400-dollar sheets.

can somebody steal the lightning away!!

I think somebody up there hates me.

Seriously.

The first night alone in the new house, unused to having so much square feet after 5 months of living out of a suitcase, it had to storm and rain like nobody's business. Complete with finishes of lightning and thunder and creepy wind sounds, which just seem all the more scary when you're on the 23rd floor of a 25th floor building.

Meow. :( Takut.

Some more.. some more.... my curtains are not ready yet.... *bawls miserably*

And I'm scared of lightning and thunder and creepy wind sounds since I was a kid. :((((
--------------
To try to focus on something else, let me tell you a story about a car and a traffic cone.

Was at the Eastin Sprint toll heading towards DJ when I saw a car in front of me veer madly from the Smart tag lane all the way to the left toll lanes which said "Tunai", hitting a few cones in its path. So I let the car go in front of me at the toll booth and what do I see but a traffic cone somehow stuck to its back right tyre, clanking like mad on the road.

The driver paid the toll and sped off like Watson Nyambek on steroids.

I pulled up to the toll booth and the toll lady was laughing her head off.

I tried to catch up with the car to try and alert him that he might actually kill someone if that traffic cone dislodged itself and went hurtling through another car's window, then realized my Myvi just wasn't built to go fast and furious.

Might have been a good idea to pull back, wouldn't want to be the casualty of an orange traffic cone.

one upper

Just received yet another wedding invitation, and this time I'm reluctant to go. Mostly because I'm up to my nose in work til the 2nd week of June, but partly because I don't see the point.

Truly I am getting more and more jaded as time passes - but I can't help wondering if I'm the realistic one seeing through all the farce.

I mean, is it just our sole aim as women in this world to land someone eligible and have babies with him? Standing from this vantage point, I feel excluded from the group of women who feel secretly pleased when raving about their wedding or feel so proud that they're married and are going to have a baby. It feels like nothing but pure one-upping to me - "Oh I'm getting married, you must come!" and then show off the guy like he's Adonis. I mean hello girl, firstly I haven't seen you for years and you invite me to your wedding? And that isn't exactly a Species Numero Uno you've got there, so why the need to rub it in?

Now you're probably thinking I'm jealous because I don't have a ring on my finger yet, but its not that. I just feel its pointless. When I get married, I will brutally filter the guest list to leave only the important people. Only the people who truly care.

But maybe I'm farcical too. I'm so proud of the house and have been pasting pictures of it on Facebook, so perhaps I deserve to be labelled a one-upper too.

It truly is a one-up world.

oh. mai. gawd.

jesus holy mother of god.

i just realized it's May.

By the time June comes, all I'd have to show for is one year's worth of aging in 6 months, a couple more extra frequent flier miles, a half empty new apartment, additional 3kg and two reports. It's so sad, this existence. You know you're sliding into a cesspool of overachiever misery when your only daily entertainment is trying to see how fast you can speed through the Penchala tunnel so that you won't lose the cellphone signal and get cut off the line.

So far I have never made it. Sigh, just one of those unachievable things in life.

I have designated compartments for life which robs half the fun. This time is for work, that time is for play, this time is for sleep and this time is allocated for giving my mom directions over the phone. So far, I'm trying to keep personal life as one of those spontaneous things, but if that goes too and I find myself wondering if I can squeeze 5 minutes before work, then I say it's probably high time I got dumped by loved ones and family. Or self-dumped due to extreme guilty feelings.

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The equity markets were bathed in a sea of red today which aptly matched my mood - I wanted to kill the sofa deliverymen who took their friggin time in transporting the thing to the new house, making me wait for two full hours. In two hours, I probably could have written 3 solid paragraphs.

But I felt bad when I saw them because the two poor foreign workers were scrambling and stuttering to carry the sofa from the lift into the house, grovelling apologetically all the while and sweating and heaving profusely under the weight of the huge sofa. These guys came here to eke out a living doing these menial work and had actually been late because their lorry was detained by the cops checking for identification. So I tipped them RM50.

I'm such an easy sucker. Tears spring to my eyes every time I'm on a MAS flight and the stewardess says "To all Malaysians, welcome home.". Every single fucking time. You'd think after all the travel I'd be immune by now.

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Peugeot RCZ - oh. my. god. I'm sold. I'm sold. Just tell me how much extra installment I have to pay each month.

count the small things

My walls are blue. No, not that wall, that belongs to a designer. That formed the inspiration shameless copying I did for my own bedroom - below.

Only mine is tending towards baby blue because I don't have the same white tiles to really make the room pop.

Everything seems to be coming together. It wasn't just 3 days ago when I sat in the car in my building sobbing my heart out over the fact that I always seem to have to be handling things - that was after I yelled at my contractor for all the delays, right before I had to go to Singapore for my first marketing trip.

Feels like its the last leg now, and I just have to hold it together just a little longer. That's what I've always did anyway, not to be boastful or anything. Just hanging in there for that one more minute, pushing it just that little bit farther. Nothing I could do to avoid it.

The sofa, fridge, glass console table, TV table and Kartell lamp are being delivered next Saturday. The rest of the furniture should be out of storage by then. I'm still contemplating whether to splurge 4k on a custom built wardrobe or make do with the IKEA one and use that money instead for a ticket to Europe.

Tuff, this is.

Anyway, I'm just happy I got blue walls. And green striped walls in the hallway.

so you think you can move markets?

The day after I launched my report with a Buy call, my counters' share prices tumbled faster than you could say Humpty Dumpty.

Tis a humbling experience. :)

Especially as I have been accused (and in my opinion, wrongly) of having an ego the size of a house. Anyone who knows me well knows it takes alot to build up my own confidence, and as Superhero would know too, that I (and we) are mostly winging it all the time. To the point that "She faked it, but I'll bet you didn't know that!" should be inscribed on my grave marker.

Thank God for perfectionism, because that has solely powered me to do all the mind-numbing figure-churning and reading thats required to produce a good research piece.
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My mother failed Math in Form 5, so I've always had this aversion to numbers, despite anally making sure I got A in A Levels. Doing the Excel model now, its boggling to forecast.

For example, to forecast item A -

A = THAT = THIS TIMES B = HERE TIMES TWO THIRDS = GDP GROWTH*X

FML.

At this point, I feel like I wanna quit this shit.
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When in Rome is an incredibly stupid movie. Only Josh Duhamel helped to prevent moviegoers from realizing that fact during the movie, but even his melting good looks couldn't stop me from realizing on the way home that it was, as aforementioned, an INCREDIBLY stupid movie.

Nobody has guts to live for and grab such passion. NOBODY. And I say it with more courage than I ever have talking about my Buy calls.

Today's 20-somethings are too busy ambitiously making wads of cash to really fall in love, too scared of falling down or losing control. It all boils down to the fact that the incredible expectations we have on ourselves to succeed prevent us from making those passionate mistakes.

We think of all the time wasted on a summer fling which could have been put to good use, look down on those burying their faces in Kleenex when in fact, the said Kleenex users may have loved. Unfortunately, I'm still part of the camp who'd rather ingest mood-enhancing drugs than ever let myself get caught in a painful situation like that.

Because it hurts like a bitch. And the pain never really goes away. No matter how much you fake it. I dreamt my heart was broken once and I woke up crying like I hadn't in the last 10 years. It's that bad.

Yes, I do protect the core of my being with rabid intensity.
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On another note, karma is very much alive and in the well. I must seriously stop talking about my great (eye) vision because God decided to punish me late yesterday. Scene Karma Bites Back - Midnight, hot dirty and sweaty, REALLY needing a bath, but God let a huge ass lizard calmly lounge on the water heater wall the bastard is asking for it (the lizard I mean) seriously. So I had to, of all horrors, sleep without bathing yesterday night.

Lesson? Karma is alive and in the well. Repeat as needed.

What would you do.. ?

If your partner cheats?

Twas the topic on Berry chat earlier between myself and Amber.

Me - I'd clean his credit card balance on a nice Tod's bag, and pack up and leave. Can cry later.

Amber - Some people can forgive. I don't think I can. Probly try to kill him.

Me - I'll get a friend to fake being my GP and call him to say I've got AIDS and have been admitted. It's procedural to inform all partners with history of sexual relations.

This was largely prompted by weekend reading of gossip magazines on Sandra Bullock's marriage that is falling apart faster than you can say 'roving jackass'.

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Today at the health checkup for the company insurance policy, the GP commented that she was amazed I had perfect vision, because not many people have that nowadays.

Which made me break out in a cold sweat, because the fear that I have never admitted to anyone, is the fear of losing my sight. Losing sight means losing control. But most importantly, losing sight means I'll have to see the darkness.

As it is I sleep with bright lights on every night. Imagine having to live in the dark 24/7, seeing nothing but the black that I'm absolutely terrified of.

Yeah... *sarcastically* Other than being afraid of the dark, completely unable to sit on rollercoasters, afraid of working alone in the office late at night, I'm a pretty brave soul. -_-

Which nobody really believes because its unfathomable to them that I of all people, would be like that. The power of (mis)perception.

Revenge of Coklat Boy

Me: "I don't eat the yolk of the egg. Tastes funny if you eat two at one go." *explaining my reason for eating two half boiled eggs but throwing away one yolk before tucking in*

CPO Boy: "Feels like you're eating the chick huh, if you eat the yolk."

Coklat Boy: "The yolk is not the chick, the chick is the black dot you sometimes see in your half or full boiled eggs."

Everyone else: "Waaaa..." *impressed*

Coklat Boy is actually very brilliant with numbers and figuring out models and revamping iffy Bloomberg templates that none of us have the patience or intellect to figure out.

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I have another launch coming up, so that's goodbye to my 2Q10. Hope to move into the new place by then though so I can work late in a spanking new condo.

After going all out on renovating my bathroom (hacking and replacing all the tiles, the bathroom accessories) I realized I have to buy IKEA from now on. :D

My bloody expensive (but oh so damn droolworthily black and sleek) induction cooker cost a bomb to buy, just because I wanted it to match my all black kitchen, and because I think a gas cooker is so "semalam".

all that I'm after is a life full of laughter

give me some color

My new home as four different colors. My interior designer nearly fainted after I chose bright yellow for the feature wall in the living room, lime green wall in the kitchen coupled with an all-black kitchen, two toned blue walls in the bedroom, and a bright red wall in the 2nd bedroom. For the colors to stand out, the rest of the walls and ceiling in the rooms will be painted a brilliant white. Being on the 23rd (0f 25) floor enables sunlight streaming in from all corners of the house, thus upping the flash factor.

Yes yes, brilliant white is uber-cool but impractical. But I'd better do impractical before I get married, settle down and have kids.

Unfortunately I didn't get my way for one major change I wanted to make, that is, to break down the wall separating the room and the bathroom to replace with clear glass. The bathrooms are tiny, and I wanted to create some space but unfortunately that wall is just a brick wall without any beams, so apparently there's nothing we can do about it because my airconditioner can't be moved elsewhere.

Oh well. Be heading back to IKEA tomorrow with a handy helping pair of hands to be my pack mule. :D Since I've busted my renovation budget, I've to buy the finishes like curtain rails etc from IKEA.

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Was at IKEA earlier getting a pair of curtains cut and measured when some Malay bimbo rudely interrupted the guy who was serving me to ask -

"One blind can cover how many ft window?"

"How long is your window, miss?"

"Two panel."

"No, whats the measurement?"

"The samela, two panel! All sama kan, the condo punya window."

"No miss, we still need measurement to be safe. No window has the same length."

At this point, I lost it, and turned to her and said snarkily, "This is IKEA. The reason why that blind is 39.90 is because its DIY. That means all of us have to come here with measurements."

Must be some Malay datuk's mistress.

*one of Lafite's signature dessert*

Recorded Musings Part 1

Client - "It's been factually proven, that red meat causes colon cancer."

Coklat Boy - "Wait excuse me, sorry, but what does a colon do?"

CPO boy tries not to choke on his miso soup, while Amber energetically shouts, "Dubur. Dubur."

Coklat Boy is from Oxbridge. Funny too. We adore him now.

We were discussing the colon story later on.

CPO Boy - "I almost died when he asked what a colon does."

Me - "It does twice the work as a semi colon."

Amber - "Yesterday at the 100 yen shop, I spotted a pack of biscuits called 'creamed collon'"

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I seem to have grown plumper over the months, supported by a rich diet of fatty Japanese sashimi and late night meals. However, its part of my one-sided bargain with the powers that be, as announced to my colleagues, that "I told God, you can let me stay fat, as long as I can write."

As long as I can write adequately and proficiently for this year to at least not look like an idiot to the rest of the firm, I can stay fat for 2010. Then I can diet in 2011. : D

what drives you?

I have decided where I want to go for my year end holidays.

Europe.

It ought to be a good end to an uphill, challenging but every bit as worth it year.

Maybe do three countries. UK, France and Germany. Or Greece.

I tell you, this is seriously what drives me everyday.

So what drives you? What makes you work so hard? Your kid? What makes you put in all that effort so you can have a precious few hours to have all by yourself? I always felt that I need more than just a sense of responsibility or an existence of an obligation to drive me.

Responsibilities and obligations can weigh down on you after awhile, and the worst thing in the world is to tread with a heavy step and a stooped back.

Even if I hate waking up on Mondays, it helps that I can recite the following

1. You need to wake up to go to work and be able to buy that Bourgie lamp by Kartell.

2. You REALLY need to wake up and work to get that walk-in dressing room.

3. You ABSOLUTELY should wake the f**k up to pay the damn housing loan.

4. You would be jumping out of bed right now if that meant you could afford Europe in December.

By the time I reach No. 4, I'd be shuffling bleary-eyed to the bathroom already.

'Nuff said.

This probably explains why rich kids just can't work all that hard. Without a reason to wake up, why the f**k would you even bother?

Why why tell me why

Why do we end up where we end up?

Why won't Brad Pitt leave Angelina?

Why do we still knowingly hurt ourselves?

Why am I putting myself through all this just to afford that urban pad with walk-in changing room?

They are alot of questions.

Questions to be pondered at length ... but at some other time and not tonight.

Too penat.

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"No, you don't have to ask me permission. Just tell me then go. You can come and go anytime, I leave you to plan your time. As long as everything gets done."

So nice, my current boss.

If there's one thing I'm grateful for, it's great bosses. Then and now.

Well except for one anal twat which marred the whole boss-employee experience a little.

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On another note, I have 19 years and 10 more months to go before I can tell Mata Hari.

Haiyoh. Lambat lagi.

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I want to buy Richard Phillips' "Scout". As seen in Chuck Bass's bedroom in Gossip Girl. Today I woke up and decided I want bad boys. Of course knowing my flaky behaviour in every aspect of life except work and organizing Japanese restaurant meal outings, I probably will wake up tomorrow and decide I want to stick to good boys instead.

PER ain't a bunch of letters

I've been attacked by an especially itchy and scratchy bout of unsightly rashes. No idea where they came from, though my nomadic existence out of a couple of suitcases for the past 2 months might be the reason why.

No amount of Googling can tell me what sort of rashes they are and frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. Measles and whatnot sound relatively tame in comparison to shingles or God help me! ringworms. But this is really getting out of hand and I'm starting to develop all sorts of hypochondriac conclusions of my own - bed has ticks, office chair has lice - and practically restraining myself from screaming "unclean! unclean!" when some stranger's elbow brushes past me in the mall.

The avid procrastinator in me has reached a stage where the discomfiture has reached discomforting proportions, I reportedly was scratching feverishly while I was fast asleep. (Reported by someone else, obviously I had no idea) Today I found some baby powder in some corner of my cousin's other rooms and that will hopefully last me through the night. I swear, I will go to see a doctor tomorrow.

Okay now I just came to a page that is titled 'Bed Bugs - What They Look Like'. Great. No points for guessing who won't be able to sleep tonight.

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It is funny how somebody so far away can be so near. Somebody who can rile you up in the space of two messages. Two. It took all the composure in the world not to retort like I usually would, because I don't see the point of it anymore. Everything has passed, and it would do good not to dredge it up again. I don't think I could go through the same cycle. Contrary to popular belief, I was not born to withstand prolonged drama and uncertainty.

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14 hour days really do not give you time for much else.

Though I try my best to keep my eyes open to my surroundings, most of the time I'm just labouring to get home so I can get my 4 hours sleep. Things have lightened up a bit after the launch, but in this world, I have learnt that it never ends. The good news? That I can handle it better and can pace it better.

Honestly, the world won't end if you reply two hours late.*

*does not apply to all forms of correspondence tagged urgent or important or contain the word 'now'

During those times when I drag my sorry and rebellious arse to the car at the ungodly hour of 630am, I try to remind myself, as I make an illegal u-turn at the traffic lights, that at least I am able to drive and own a car, unlike the young trainee nurses I see clustered in shadowy blobs by the bus stop every morning when I leave.

And as I zoom onto the Penchala, I give a little thanks for being able to see the sun slowly rise right before I enter the tunnel.

And when I get onto Sultan Ismail and realize that "hey! there's quite a few cars on the road!" I am not alone, there are many others stuck in the same pile of shit as I am! Then I feel much better, because at least I may be paid a couple of peanuts more.

Then I get to work and realize, god damn, what the heck girl, you just jumped right in and barrelled headfirst into a different world of equities, a world which just two months ago you knew as a world of debt markets. Where different things matter, where PER and P/B and EV/EBITDA are not cereal Honey Stars letters floating around in a bowl of milk.

And then you try to balance all that out with house renovation and studying for Level 3 of CFA.

My, if I really can achieve all that in this year, it would be the most astounding, unbelievable experience of my life.

Sorry to angkat bakul so much. Tiada orang di sisi untuk menolong, oleh itu kena 'self-help'.

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On another note, go Stalwarts!!! Go team!!! yay !! yay!!

You can take the girl out of debt markets, but you can't take debt markets out of a girl.